Thursday, 8 September 2005

Scare

Pregnancy scares. The test of every relationship. Before an actual pregnancy and the ensuing strain of bringing up the resulting offspring.

I have always had irregular periods so rely on home testing kits for reassurance every few months, despite taking precautions. In line with my 'be yourself with your boyfriend' policy, I decided I wanted J to sit in on the test. I don't see why that strange 2-minute bubble of anxiety and (you hope to God) relief should be mine alone.

In my cramped bathroom with its strangely angled walls I squatted on the toilet and peed on the strip for the requisite 5 seconds. J was already looking as tense as I was feeling. A blue line turned up in one indicator window. Then in the second, paler, but there.

Is that ok, he asked. I felt dizzy. I think I said I had to check the pack. He said 'don't scare me', but I wasn't attempting anything so cruel.

Stupid. Of course, it turned out its one of the tests which show two lines when they're done. If you're pregnant it shows a cross in the second window.The shock made the blood rush to my feet in a strangely delayed manner, I showed J the package.

He came in the shower with me. I said he would be a good father, which he of course denied. He said I would be a good mother, impatient but focused on the happiness of my children. He scrubbed my back.

I have never particularly wanted children. I don't now. But when I saw that second line there was a tiny part of me that wasn't scared, just sad about probably having to decline the offer of that simpler alternative life I sometimes sense I have just missed out on when I wake in the morning, where J loves me back and a pregnancy test is a test for a pregnancy and not for a relationship.

But at least I think we passed this one.

1 comment:

  1. "...just sad about probably having to decline the offer of that simpler alternative life I sometimes sense I have just missed out on when I wake in the morning, where J loves me back and a pregnancy test is a test for a pregnancy and not for a relationship."

    Your writing is simple but powered by sharp insight. It moves me; particularly the qouted passage.
    Cheers.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for not just lurking..

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