Thursday, 13 October 2005

Commitment issues

Everyone has them. I used to have them more than most, and I guess I started this blog partly in shock that I no longer did.

I've been away for a few days, staying with J so he could feel sorry for me on a 24-7 basis while I was sick. It's been quite tough since last weekend, he's been very depressed and of course this means his outlook on our relationship as well is less than positive.

It all ended with him saying he didn't love me and didn't think we'd stay together long term, which of course led to an ill me bursting out in tears like a like a 5-year old. I don't know why I find it so upsetting. Maybe I'm just incredibly vain and it's impossible for me to fathom how someone could not love me.

But, of course, at the same time he panicked when I rationally suggested that if that's how he feels we should maybe finish the relationship. Evidently he wants to be with me, just not forever. Hello?

I look back and see that this is generally how most of my relationships have been. I love them more, get fed up, leave and then they come crawling back 2-3-4-5 (take your pick) years later lamenting how wrong they were, but by then circumstances have changed and there's no way of trying again. I am hoping I will stick it out this time.

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