Tuesday, 4 October 2005

From Her Majesty's Secret Service

Here I was, contemplating the right- or wrongness of googling an ex.

Partly of course you think this is wrong because it's slightly voyeristic. When you break up with someone you deprive yourself of the right to know the ins and outs of their life from then on, let alone interfering with it.

But maybe it's different if you're the dumpee.

Especially if you come across notes written by your ex at the beginning of your relationship, where he says he doesn't really want to be with you but doesn't know how to tell you.

J just received a package in the post from his ex, containing notes of the above-mentioned nature and a card displaying a level of bitterness quite impressive seeing it as about two years have passed since they broke up.

He was understandably quite upset. It is amazing how you think you got over something and then the whole thing can be ripped open again in an instant. It must have been horrible for her as well to find out in that way how the relationship in a way was never given a chance.

I don't think that there's anything wrong with the inclusion of the bitter card; after all if you feel that hurt you have to vent somewhere, and it is really only fair to vent at the person at the root of the issue despite them not hurting you intentionally.

It does however fly in the face of his description of her as 'an extremely kind person'.

Oh well. Once he's gotten over the stage of questioning our relationship due to her need to rip up old wounds, I'm sure everything will be fine again.

I remember I found all the old emails from my previous partner when I cleaned out an old email account about a year after we broke up. The top ones in the list were all from after I broke up with him. The level of pain and confusion expressed in them made me feel as guilty as I did the day after I finally did the deed.

In moments of clarity I know I did the right thing. I didn't love him, we weren't right together, he turned me into the girlfriend from hell but because he was intrinsically a nice guy who loved me deeply, I really did try. So I shouldn't feel guilty.

But it is amazing how your body remembers the guilt even if your mind appears to have forgotten.


  1. Wow! Very wise you are, Girlfriend. That's the trade-off for growing older -- we get wiser.

    The ex-girl will get over it, if she's of normal sensibilities; and your ex-boy probably already has, so don't waste your guilt. Sounds like you and J have made good decisions.

  2. Hey. Your last paragraph is loaded with wisdom.
    However, let me pick on that theory a little bit.
    Forgetting does not mean overcoming. Maybe that is why your body reacts in that way.

    One must ask, have I really come to terms with the past or have I just conveniently "forgotten" about this?

    Be well.


Thanks for not just lurking..

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