Monday, 17 October 2005

Goodbye, my LA Ex

New to my blog? If so you should probably start with part one of this story.

Four years later, I went to study nearer where he was from. On a whim, looking through my address book, I sent him a post card.

He wrote me back, saying his parents said he could go where ever he wanted for his spring break. I said he should come visit me. I thought it would mean nothing, but already then I arranged for a four-day stopover on my flight back home, in his home town.

A week before he was due to arrive, he had to postpone his visit for a week due to an art exhibition he was in.

In that week, I met someone else. Someone else I didn't love, but I was bored, it was winter, I didn't think USX's visit would matter at all.

But it did. He arrived, and stayed in our second bedroom. My new man stayed over a lot.

We had five days together, and I was more deeply in love with him than I have ever been with anyone else. He sat up and drank red wine with my new boyfriend, healing his broken heart. That's what USX does. He heals others while breaking himself.

We drove to LA together, it was a day trip, looked at orthodox jews, 'no cruising' signs, had dinner on Sunset Boulevard. It was like a movie.

We held hands the whole way. Thank God for automatic gear.

He said I always came around when he needed me most. He had been crushed by this other girl, and felt very low, and then my postcard arrived. He said he felt giddy with happiness, in the car on the highway.

On the last day before he left, he said "you're so beautiful, it hurts to look at you". At the red light near the airport we kissed. At the airport we kissed again, and he cried. In the car, alone, afterwards, I cried to. I never told the boyfriend this.

On the phone, whispering a few days later, my boyfriend in the next room, I told him I loved him.

I went to see him on the way home, having broken up with Temporary Boyfriend. Then Temporary Boyfriend called. He wanted to make up, to move in with me back home. For some reason, I'll never know why, I said yes.

USX begged to be allowed to kiss me. I let him, once or twice. I felt numb. After the first few days he let slip a few acidic remarks, and who could blame him.

I broke his heart, and to be with someone I never loved.

In the summer, he came to visit my home town and we met for a drink. He brought a friend. When she went to the bathroom, I said I was sorry for breaking his heart. He said it was OK. But I know it wasn't.

I've tried to call him, but I have no idea where he is now. It's been years since then, but I think about him often.

I hope he's well, that someone else has come around just when he needed them and let his heart of glass heal up. I hope he's giddy with happiness.


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