Sunday, 16 October 2005

I give you an onion II

J is saying he doesn't know what he feels about me. He says he knows when I'm there, but has trouble remembering when we're apart.

It's tricky. He asks me how I can know that I love him. All the little things, I say, all the little things that feel good.

He cries when we talk about this, in his quiet way, without sobbing. Sometimes it's heartbreaking, sometimes I just feel numb.

I know in my more sane moments that he feels the same way about those little things, but it is as if he can't put this together to mean that he loves me back.

Love is like an onion, I say. If you peel away the layers thinking there's something in the middle, you'll end up with nothing. There is nothing in the middle. Love is the sum of its manifestations, there is no more than that.

But maybe I say this to comfort him, and in that way myself. Because in a way my love for him is not each of those things I mention, it's just something I know.

I was close to walking away last night; I know I deserve to be with someone who loves me. But so does he.

So until things change I guess I'll just have to keep believing for the both of us.

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