Wednesday, 19 October 2005

Insecurity

So Mr. Attafield asked me if I'm insecure in my relationship. It's a fair question.

In the words of a close friend, yes and no.

I'm not insecure in my knowledge that I love him. I'm not insecure in knowing that theoretically speaking, under current circumstances, we have a chance.

I'm not insecure about whether or not he loves me, because he says he doesn't.

But that, of course, does make me insecure. I think I'd be either in denial or deeply inhumane if it didn't have me down in tears occasionally.

Our relationship is great as long as we don't think about it. It's like a Monet painting, once you start trying to study it in detail it blurs.

Is this the same for every relationship? Is the only way you can make it by never sitting down to analyse why you're actually with someone, why you love them (I refer again to the onion thing)?

The reason you end up with a person are endlessly complex.

Without giving in to literary Freudianism, to which I'm quite violently opposed, I think every person who's ever been seriosly involved with someone else has at some point stopped and thought, "oh my God, it's like my father" or "I like it when she says that because I always wanted that from my mother and she never told me".

Then there's the timing aspect.

I love J and we're together, because for me it's the right time, I'm ready to stop moving around every 5 months, I want to buy a house and own a piano.

If we'd met ten years ago, he would have fewer emotional scars, yes, and this would maybe have made things easier. But I wouldn't have been ready. Now, he would have been US Ex or maybe one of the other people I've loved deeply but am no longer with.

I fear it's not the right time for him yet and pray that I'll be able to stick around until it is (if you think this flies in the face of what I said in the third paragraph, so be it).

I'm with him because partly he's the sum of things I've loved or found missing in other people I've met.

And here I am, peeling away the layers. It's difficult to stop. Possibly so difficult it could be an early stage of OCD.

Maybe this is the different onion with something in the middle. Maybe it just needs to be firmly planted.

But then again if you keep peeling it's not going to grow very well once it gets in the ground...

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4 comments:

  1. Hey J's girlf. First thanks for posting your comment to me. The first I've had, that was genuine and from an outsider.

    I'm scared that he doesn't love you, but trust that you're mature and experienced and sure enough of your feelings to recognise the potential in him. However, the notion of moving in with someone (serious commitment in anyone's language) with someone who's ambivalent? This scares me even more.
    DC

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  2. "then again if you keep peeling it's not going to grow very well once it gets in the ground..."

    I have to say that is so true. My last relationship didn’t grow because I kept peeling. My ex even asked me why I have to constantly analyze everything. In my defense, I do it because that is the only way I can learn…ask questions. Lately, I live by, “I can’t paint the future, but the future can paint itself.” But I wish you the best of luck with J and just live moment to moment.

    I have to ask are you a psychology major?

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  3. Really, If you're not insecure about things, anything for that matter, you're just begging for disapointment. Being insecure forces us to seek out security, and by doing so we do more to better our situation in most cases. it forces us to be on our best behaviour sometimes because we want nothing more then to feel good in our current state, and we usually try to make others feel the same way, because that's what makes us feel safe.
    Or maybe not.
    I could be wrong.
    I usually am actually.
    And if things go bad none the less, then that's how life goes. You clean up the mess, feed the cat, take out the trash and move on.
    Things sometimes happen for a reason, and other times, they just happen. Over analysing life just causes ulcers.

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  4. Hey J's girlfriend! The answer to your question is that yes I have been in love three specific times that i can think of. One was an immature one-sided love for someone I would never be able to have. Another was a love bound by conflict, unwillingness to break away, and necessity to have a companion. And the other comes from my heart now as I find myself falling for a girl each and every day, spending every waking momemt with her and enjoying life to its fullest amongst the harsh world we live in. I believe that through each love I have experienced (and have yet to experience) that I learn more about love. I am in love because it feels soo good to have someone who loves me as I love her, so it is a contractual agreement of both hearts to be with each other for as long as a smile exists within our souls for the other...

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Thanks for not just lurking..

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