Tuesday, 1 November 2005

Life footprints

Why is it that even after several years, my ex boyfriend's name comes into my head on a regular basis? It has fortunately stopped doing so during sex (for a few years I was reduced to only moaning 'baby' and similar silly things for fear of uttering the wrong name to a new partner) but keeps cropping up in other uncomfortable ways.

For instance, if I want to ask J to take out the trash, U's name is sometimes this close to rolling off my tongue.

J did at some point accidentally call me by his ex's name so I have the moral upper hand should it ever happen for real, but for obvious reasons I hope it won't.

I have been thinking about this lately. I didn't even ever love U, I stayed with him for complicated reasons, a major one of which was guilt. How do you tell someone who's a perfectly nice guy and even quite good in bed that you just don't love them?

Maybe I just wasn't ready to settle down, but when I look back at it, I know we just weren't right for each other. He saw what he wanted to see, and although it was perhaps partly my own fault for not spelling out my personality more clearly and more often, I think it's fair to say that he would never have known me very well.

In fact, one of the final straws for me eventually mustering up the courage to dump him was my realisation that after several years of cohabitation I barely knew what he was really like. Or maybe he was just shallow.

Anyway, despite that I'm now in a loving (from my side) relationship with someone who understands me better than U ever could, his shadow falls over my relationship.

I keep thinking of him and feeling pain, a vague sense of failure and guilt. Not pain by way of craving, wanting him back, but just a deep seated wish that none of what happened between us should really have taken place.

Except for maybe the first few months of frantic, new-partner sex.

How can I rid myself of this? I still remember other people I've been with, but maybe because we haven't parted in such a painful way, I remember them fondly, even the ones who dumped me.

Or maybe it's because I'm no longer in touch with U, despite him being my most recent ex before J. I just feel I have nothing to say to him. I always felt that, and when we finally broke up it was just a relief not to have to scramble for things to say anymore.

Now I'm left wondering what it must be like for people who get divorced after decades with a partner they didn't really love, after sticking it out for the kids or the money.

It's like U has left a footprint on me that I can't get rid of, like one of those musty smells in a damp house that you just can't air out.

If anyone has developed an effective detergent for a similar ailment through personal experience, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Technorati tags:


4 comments:

  1. Sorry that my pictures made you feel homesick! Are you Norwegian? Norway was beautiful but I wasn't really prepared for the cold. I agree with you about living on the past... I get drunk on it once in a while.
    Glad that things seem to be going well with J!
    Cheers

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think the answer lies within yourself. When the person that I loved the most up until 1999 and I broke up, it wasn't until this year that I got rid of all those feelings that you describe. The difference was that I had learned my lesson, I had come to the real conclusion as of why things didn't work, there was no guilt, there was no "what if", I had let go, I also was in love with someone new. REALLY IN LOVE. Just let time go by... catching up with U (with care) will definitely help.

    Good luck and be good to yourself and your friend.

    P.S: Maybe you should suggest her to get her own blog, Like you, casual penpals from all over the world can give us uplifting feedback. Chao!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I dunno bout chu, but if my boo mistakened my name 2 any chick--- I'm leavin him! Dun care if it was his ex, motha, sis, cousin- it just makes me feel sick! My boo neva mistakened me but a lot of men dat like me do dat so it jus getz me an 'ill' feelin... feel dat? ;-) PEACE

    ReplyDelete
  4. LOL, I get cha!
    If I was bangin w/ my boo, n huurd him mistaken my name by some girl, I WOULD LEAVE HIM! Maybe u would'nt, u'd consider it a lil mistake... but 4 me, HELL NO!!!
    LOL, u neva know if it's "true" love ;-) PEACE
    (N I've been thinkin A LOT boutz my em too! I cany get it ouy dat sometimez it hurtz!)

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for not just lurking..

Peer Review Section