Saturday, 12 November 2005

More tears

After my glorious four hours of sleep yesterday, I was not really in any fit state for emotional conversation.

Then on the other hand, nor was I in a fit state to control my urge to shake J and go "make up your mind you commitment phobic twat" properly.

I managed to strike a golden middle way between a proper aggressive outburst and tactful silence. I merely put it to J that I need to know when he's planning to make up his mind as to whether he wants us to stay together, that waiting around keeps me up at night.

And as usual, I've ended up thinking he really doesn't know. He is just a bit tumbleweed of confusion. Which is reassuring for me, because I can tell myself he really does love me, he just doesn't know it and even if he did, he wouldn't know how to handle it.

"I am not just here waiting for someone to come around that I know that I love," he says. "I'm here waiting to find out that I love you the way I think I should."

Can't really argue with that.

We had some dinner, and I was just switching the Playstation on while he was sitting in the sofa mentally preparing to do the dishes.

"I'm sorry I'm so awful to you," he suddenly said, and I realised he was crying, in his own almost tearless, very quiet way.

In a way it's heartbreaking, but then again being with him is heartbreaking in itself sometimes, and just then it didn't make that much difference. I just wanted to comfort him.

It is difficult; every time I think I can't take it anymore we have one of these strangely reassuring conversations and I think I can go on for a little longer.

I fear that one day it really will be enough, that I really am not patient enough for this. I hope that day is far away.

If nothing else; after some make-up happenings in bed, at least I slept like a log last night.

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  1. My blessings to you two.

    Strange that you are still unmarried !

    Anyways, when u marry don't foeget to change ur blog //tittle to jswife !!


  2. What an absolutely outstanding blog - | love your writing, and I've blogrolled you too (if that's okay).

    The central theme is one that's close to my heart, for one reason or another. See you again...


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