Saturday, 26 November 2005

Mortgage & babies

J has found somewhere to live! I haven't seen it yet, but it's on a really nice road very near me, in that weird London way where a nicer neighbourhood is always right around the corner.

I am of course mortally disappointed that even staying with me for a whole month hasn't convinced him he wants to move in with me.

He told me yesterday that he knows he would really enjoy living with me, but he still doesn't want to. He openly admits to being commitment phobic. Which I think he actually kind of likes. He says in his other relationships he's been dysfunctional in completely abnormal ways, so being commitment phobic feels comfortingly normal to him.

And I think it is. I think he sort of thinks we get on really well and being with me is great, he just doesn't equate this to having a mortgage and a baby. I remember feeling like that about people, while I was still at university. You kind of think in your head that this is really wonderful, and it will always be like this, I'll always meet people for whom I feel this way. But you don't.

When I was still in high school and in love with the man who's broken my heart more times than anyone else (he still could if he tried, I think), one of my teachers told me I should tell him how I felt and stick to him. I eventually did, but not until it was too late.

I think the way I thought about him is the way J thinks about me; I loved him with every fibre in my body, I just didn't understand how rare that was. I thought that was simply what it was like to be in love with someone. But it wasn't just being in love, I've been in love many times since and it's never been like that again, until I met J.

J probably thinks of me the way I thought of my teacher; I thought, what an incredibly depressive and negative way to view the world.

Should I hang around and wait for him to change his mind? It took me almost ten years. And I think it maybe wouldn't have happened at all without the emotional experience I acquired over that decade. I don't know if it is possible to arrive at that stage while you're with someone, because being with someone you just don't move in the same way. I am ready to stand still now, he's not, and I can't force him.

Then again maybe he should just get his act together and take a chance. At least one of us knows this is as good as it gets.

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3 comments:

  1. You're right on girl. I think all this dilly-dallying and cozy on the fence (really!) types are just not those who will make you happy now or later. realtionships should be all about taking that chance to learn to trust and if that doesn't work, teaching how to trust, but in your case if the student does not want to learn, I think you're intelligent enough to make the right decision.walk darlin', walk.

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  2. Yeees... But then again, it's hard to just leave. I did once before, but then I was really certain that's what I wanted. Now I just think maybe I should, but I absolutely don't want to! Choices, choices...

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  3. I know sometimes having both the heart and the brain is like dealing with self-anarchy. but choices need to be made, whatever you do, just make sure you don't leave room for any regrets later.

    Although I'm not an authority on relationships, I'd say settling for crumbs is bad any which way you look. don't short change yourself.

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Thanks for not just lurking..

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