Friday, 11 November 2005

The value of sleep

I didn't sleep very much last night. J was happily away last night for work purposes, so it wasn't his fault, directly.

Loss of sleep was cause by a variety of factors, listed below in order of importance.

I went to bed really early, but because I also got up quite late yesterday it took me a while to go to sleep.

About three hours later, I woke because I needed to go to the toilet. In itself not that unusual as I seem to have a ridiculously small bladder. When I came out of the bathroom I couldn't find anything to dry my freshly laundered hands on as I washed all the towels yesterday. Slightly annoying and woke me up more than usual.

Then, just as I got back to bed, I heard something like a very large overhead lawnmower outside my house. Yep, a police chopper. It came in and out of vision for about 40 min before settling happily right above my house. It stayed there for the best part of half an hour.

I heard this morning there'd been a lot of police vans rushing to my nextdoor drug riddled neighbourhood (the people in my street stick to weed which doesn't warrant that kind of operation, it seems). Police chopper, hover above that area, please!!

So obviously by the time the chopper actually left, I'd finished several chapters of a book and was so annoyed I couldn't go back to sleep.

Eventually I would probably normally have passed out, but I started thinking about J and I. I generally haven't been sleeping very well lately, even when he's there, which I usually find reassuring.

So I got to thinking, which I in my sleep deprived state now think might have been right, that my bad sleep is due to high stress levels from my relationship with J.

I was thinking I've had it. He's coming home with me for Christmas. His birthday present just arrived from my mum. She is already prepared to unconditionally love him as much as I do (albeit in a different way). I don't want to do this to her, to let her get to know this really lovely person who is then never to be seen again. She still misses my other boyfriends, in most cases more than I do.

I was imagining the conversation in my head, how I'd give him an ultimatum, tell him that he'll have to make up his mind.

It's of course not just for my mother's sake, I don't think I personally can take it anymore. I know that in his own imperfect way he does love me. I am starting to think he just isn't ready for this, for anything resembling a proper relationship. And that's what I want.

I don't think I'll go through with the ultimatum. Of course, now that I've slept another hour and had my honeynut cheerios, I feel slightly better. But I will have to say something. There might be tears.

I just hope that for once the answer can be what I want it to be.

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1 comment:

  1. That post went on and on and on....


    Am sleepy...!


    Anyways, thanks for the wonderful post.


Thanks for not just lurking..

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