Tuesday, 6 December 2005

Believe

Lucky Cameron, as earlier mentioned today, has a new job. Although it was commented on that Davies looked smilier than him when the result was announced. Presumably he knows it might be quite a grim future ahead.

In my online self-absorbedness I've forgotten to detail that J too, in a slightly less prominent but I think no less important position, has started a new job.

He is so sweet in the process of settling in. Because he's so extroverted around me, I completely forget that around people he doesn't know he's a bit of a shrinking violet.

The environment he is in is also not of the retiring kind; he has described it as 'lovey', as in 'people call each other daahling and hug when they come back from holiday'.

It seems his manager is relatively disorganised, many of his colleagues were unaware that someone new was starting so his training has left something to be desired. So he has sat in the corner for a couple of days until someone finally noticed him today and gave him something to do. Which of course he did brilliantly, being the clever kind of chap he is.

I was talking to him earlier on right before he left work, and being genuinely encouraging. It is so nice to feel that way about someone; to truly believe they can do something and then feeling as proud when they achieve as if I'd done it myself.

Not that I want a high-flying trophy boyfriend, but I like to see the pleasure on his face when he knows he has done something well.

Performing well at work is probably more important to his mental well-being than to most people's, so in more than one ways it increases the chances we will work out as a couple as well.

I can just remember the horrible feeling when I first met my previous boyfriend. He brought me to his workplace to show me some of his work (he was in a creative kind of position) and I just hated it. I just knew he had no talent, that his artistic abilities were completely average, and that I could never tell him.

Would I have believed in him more if he had truly loved him? Maybe. Or maybe it is the less comfortable option, that I would have loved him more if he had been... more outstanding at what he did. Supposedly women like status, but it's not status I'm after, just that certain something which allows you to believe in someone.

And having someone who believes in you is so wonderful. I've been with people in the past, friends and partners, who have made me feel I could do anything. And maybe if I'd stuck with them I could have done anything. I'm stuck in life feeling I've underperformed a little, although I understand that's a common feeling in late twentysomethings.

I always promised myself I'd end up with someone like that, someone who made me feel like the sky is not the limit. I don't know if J does that. He is too analytical, too honest.

J will say things like 'oh I didn't have time to look at that email you sent me' whereas normal people would just say 'yeah, I read that, it was really funny'. Which on one hand is good, but on the other hand it means he doesn't build my dreams for me.

And sometimes it's a very lonely job to have to build them myself on a daily or hourly basis. Sometimes I feel really low and I just want someone to tell me with conviction, without being prompted, that everything will be OK.

Next spring I will be making some pretty substantial decisions about my future, and I think I will need to know if I am making them for me or for us.

Until then, however, I'll just stick my head in the sand and lovingly watch J learning to walk in his new job.

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