Wednesday, 21 December 2005

Cleaning therapy

I think the storm's blown over for this time.

After a second session of talk (J) and tears (me) everything seems to be OK again.

I cleaned the whole flat this morning, I felt almost happy afterwards. I don't know if this is a healthy coping strategy, but at any rate I think it's important to greet Christmas with a clean house. And it smells good.

I don't know why cleaning is so therapeutical. Maybe as I do it it helps me order my head.

I did a load of dishes today so big I had to empty the drying rack in the middle of it. Afterwards I almost felt happy.

Of course the whole suitcase thing wouldn't have been as upsetting for either of us if it weren't for the fact that he doesn't quite know where he's going with this relationship.

J said I feel lonely in our relationship sometimes because we're not going through the same experience. But I don't think that's right. You never experience the same as someone else, because you're not that person.

I was crying because I can tell I'm slowly becoming exhausted, and I recognise that feeling, where you know that you are shouldering a heavier burden than you're made for.

Which I think will always be the case in a relationship from time to time, but if it goes on for too long I know I'll get to a stage where smaller and smaller things have me down in tears, until I have to walk away from the whole thing to avoid dissolving into a puddle.

At the bottom of a hole which takes years to climb out from.

And I really don't want this to happen this time.

There is hope. J says he feels better and better about us, that he sometimes thinks we have a chance. And I am hoping that will be enough for me to hold on to.

As for what I'm getting from him for Christmas, I know I'm getting a cashmere v-neck which I asked for, and something else as a surprise.

He just came by my office to drop off an Amazon parcel because he's not going straight home after work, and although he claims it contains Depressed Flatmate's gift, I was forbidden to look inside it.

I am thinking Playstation game...

Then again I can't think of any games I actually want at the moment.

Except maybe Tekken5. Hint hint, people!

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  1. You know, I can't help feeling that you guys need to have a REALLY serious talk at some stage... mostly because of the feelings you articulated so beautifully in this post.

    The scales in a relationship need to find some kind of equilibrium if things are ever going to be sustainable. By which I mean that in essence you need to want similar things FROM it. I'm not sure that you don't, but then I'm not sure that you do.

    My advice, for what it's worth, is to remember one thing. We all make it much more complicated than it needs to be if we're not careful. Just keep it simple, if you know what I mean.

  2. This is totally off the topic, but I've been wondering; what would happened to the name of this blog, if "J" decided to dump you - or vice versa?

    Cleaning it said to be therapeutic. I guess that's why I am so messed up. See, I have had someone to do cleaning since I was... wait.. always ;-)

  3. Thanks for stopping by my page. It took me a second to understand the brown paper bag thing! O don't get me wrong it felt good but when I came to my sense I was like shi*. I love to clean when I am "moody" it helps with organizing my thoughts and give me a sense that something in my life I have control over and once I am done it always looks great.(wish love could come that way) I do hope things work out for what is best for you and J!!


  4. Well, I know about the REALLY serious talk.. I suggested if J doesn't know still come April, we should take a break. J, of course, thought this was an awfully bad idea...

    If we were to break up though, I guess I might just change the address to Sometimesinmyhead.blogspot, and my user name to.. depending on my mood, something.

    And cleaning, well, it hurts, but it's like a band aid, better to get it overwith. And in time for Chrismas, too!


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