Saturday, 17 December 2005

Date vs Girlfriend

J is leaving me.

Well, not as such.

But as we speak, he is moving his things from my overcrowded room to his new flat in the nice part of my postcode.

For the uninitiated, we're not breaking up. But our 1.5 month long circumstance-induced cohabitation is coming to an end. It's a little sad.

Although he won't technically sleep there until after Christmas as the room still stinks of paint. Which is nice because he'll be around at mine and I can keep playing house for a few more days. But it's also nasty, in the same way that peeling a band-aid off slowly is nasty.

They serve processed cheese slices, limp salad, fries fried in old oil, frozen spinach (heated but still) and it ws £31.50 for two people, with no alcohol!  How does this place survive?!  Honestly!Before I came into work this evening we went out for a meal.

We were really just meant to meet for some last-minute shopping, but when we met up J had decided he actually had time to sit down.

Some people call this procrastination. But it was a little romantic.

And despite awful food (we went to the Angus Steak House on Argyle St. as a joke; I would describe it but it would take up too much space), it was really nice.

We have been dating for over a year now, and our dates just keep getting better.

We hold hands and kiss lots, he smells of Herbal Essences and he likes to play with my hair which I like, even when I know he's just touched God knows how filthy surroundings on the London Underground.

I laugh at his jokes and get annoyed at what I think is false modesty and he thinks is genuine lack of self-esteem (in all fairness he's probably right here but that doesn't make it any less annoying), we argue about who's paying and talk about his hopeless boss and my annoying editor.

And it struck me today, maybe this is what he wants. He wants a Date. Someone he can meet up with, who laughs at his jokes and usually (skillfully) puts out afterwards. I'm not insinuating he's only after one thing, he's just not after a Girlfriend.

He wants someone to spend the evening and night with, not someone to spend his life with. I think that's partly why he enjoys our dates so much. And because he enjoys them, I enjoy them. And so on.

However, I'm such a good date that he chooses to put up with my ideas that we're meant to be forever. I'm such a good date that he sticks it out and hopes one day he'll wake up and feel I'm girlfriend material.

Of course he has to indulge me with a proper relationship while waiting for that revelation to happen.

It's a bit confusing, I know.

Especially considering we've already tangled our lives together to such a great extent, meeting parents, sharing friends, moving houses to be near each other.

Yet that is how I was thinking he might feel when I was watching him this evening, sampling my steak and carrying my shopping bags.

And I don't even know if it's possible to make a transition from Date to Girlfriend. Is it? Or are you just stuck as either one or the other? Do I just have to hope that he will decide he doesn't mind spending his life with someone who is a great date, but that he claims not to love?

All I want for Christmas is for him to come to his senses and make up his mind.

But for now, the only think I know for sure is that he'll still be there when I go home in a few hours, that he'll be asleep in my bed and that I can coax him into some morning sex and then we'll have breakfast before we go to see his nieces this weekend so I can hand over the Christmas presents I made for them.

And we'll laugh in the car and listen to Magic FM interspersed with Radio4 and World Service. If Take That comes on, I'll sing along as an 'omage to my gay ex. We'll stop at a motorway service and have food even worse than the ovrepriced crap we had tonight.

For a date, not bad.

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  1. It's great you guys still have dates a year into the relationship. It still sounds like you guys just met! Congratulations!

  2. A year is very soon for a guy to be thinking about marriage. I know girls think about about since the day they fall in love with boys (or girls as the case may be), but guys have to be sure before they realize that they're "stuck" with the one they have now.

    I mean, that's a very crude way of putting it, but I mean, marriage is a BIG DEAL (not at all to suggest you don't think so), so a year is pretty short time, don't you think?

  3. You seem to have found my blog and left a message .... and I came and visited you the other day and was captivated but this is the first time I had time to post and then to read this slight change of circumstances.

    I met and married my husband within a year. He tookon my two kids - but, I'mnot sure what age you are, but we are probably a lot older and were in our later 30s. 7 years on and we still as happy as ever.

    It is different for everyone and sometimes one just knows. But there is nothing you can do to persuade J otherwise - he will have to come round to wanting you for ever and soon! Have you tried the Rule Book? Maybe going back to dating and you keeping an elusive distance is good for you both and especially for him to realise what he wants.

    Anyway, I didn't come on here to offer up advice - I liked your writing style in previous posts and thought here's a blog I'd like to read :-)

  4. Oh my god - the Angus Steak House on Argyle Steet? And you blogged about it?

    Actually, what you are (in my book of definitions) is a girlfriend. What you weant to be is a... well, a, errmmm... you know.

  5. First, thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment - I often wonder if anyone actually reads it! Second, I've surfed yours several times and really enjoy your entries! Good luck with the "living situation". I know how hard that has to be :)
    Keep smiling. I loved reading about your date!

  6. Hey!

    Its great you guys have the first date spark, that is so important.

    A little advice that you should take with a pinch of salt… after all my own love life is a mess….

    Perhaps if you were a little bit less available he will get his act together…. I don’t mean a lot… just enough to make him feel less comfortable that you will be there no matter what

    As I said ignore me…


  7. Merry Christmas! I wish you all the best this coming new year.


Thanks for not just lurking..

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