Thursday, 15 December 2005

Moving-out day approaching

It is funny. Having lived with J for about 1.5 months now, the day of his departure (to a much smaller room in a much nicer flat about 15 min from me) is now imminent.

In a way I'm looking forward to it.

I love having him around. I love coming home from my shift in the morning, to find him snuggled up in my bed, fast asleep. He does this thing where he throws out an arm for a cuddle when he hears me open the door, then passes back out before I have a chance to respond.

I like calling him and telling him I'm making dinner, whereupon he says "oh, don't worry about me, I can get something later, after you've gone to work", and then him arriving completely starving and very grateful for a delicious meal waiting on the table (today we had roast mediterranean veg and grilled halloumi cheese with couscous).

I don't even mind folding up his laundry that he leaves lying around for days and the fact that he never 'has time' to clean the bathroom.

But as I say, I also look forward to it. Because we get on really well living in the same house. So it makes me think what else it is he wants. Does he think it gets any better than this? Because it doesn't. But maybe he doesn't realise that.

It hurts that he seems to like living with me so much, yet he doesn't want to. I don't understand it, and he's not very good at explaining it without saying things like "I just don't feel right about you" and other things I like to not think about.

And maybe I resent him a little because he leaves me stranded with Depressed Flatmate to deal with all by myself.

When he finally packs his bags and leaves, at least I won't have to think about these things every single day. I can just pretend we never lived together at all, pretend he doesn't know what he's missing.

But on the other hand I respect him for standing up to me, and not moving in with me just because I want to.

And as P says, we've only been going out for a year. Lots of people go out for many times that and don't move in together. Although I suspect he only says that because I used to make fun of him for not moving in with his girlfriend of two years.

On a less emotional level I also look forward to reclaiming some wardrobe space so that my silk tops and dresses won't be all crumpled for Christmas from being squashed in next to his big bulky coats and squash raquets.

But as it turns out, due to the person vacating his new room being spectacularly disorganised, he won't really be moving properly until after we get back from the Christmas break.

I can't see how he can't change his mind about it. At the end of Jan I am moving out of my flat due to my new job, and don't know where I'll be living. His present engagement ends in March. I can see myself putting my foot down then. It is one thing not knowing if you want to stay with someone forever, but quite another to not be willing to decide to try your best to make it that way.

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