Sunday, 11 December 2005

The winner takes it all

When we first met, J said to me, "you're the kind of girl who becomes someone's love of their life, but not necessarily the type they'd marry."

Right then, I knew this was a man of wisdom.

I am indeed the kind of girl every man feels the urge to dote on, yet not in a wifely or even girlfriendly way.

Without wishing to bang my own drum (that's bullshit, I love banging my own drum, but felt I had to say that to sound Britishly modest), I've been told numerous times by several men how wonderful I am, how I've been told things nobody has known about them before, how I am intelligent and make them laugh, how great my blowjobs are (yes, really) and also, oddly, how nice my breasts are.

Maybe men say that last thing to every woman they see naked, but it's odd how they've all mostly chosen to concentrate on that one area of my body. Except J, he likes my tummy a lot. I think this is a good sign.

I know there is a kind of woman that you would like as a friend, but that you're never going to sleep with, because they just aren't that attractive. I have that kind of male friend, several actually. You occasionally consider giving them a charity shag, but always find a morally questionable reason not to. That's not the kind of category I think I fall into though.

I'm the kind of girl men think is great, because she can talk about video games and football, but can also cook, sew, drive, dress them well and be great in bed.

For some reason, this is not what they want. They think being friends with me is great, and are over the moon if I put out. And then they meet some godawful, boring English rose who is an accountant and has no idea Tekken is not a rugby team. And then they move in with her! Marry her! Why?! I only ask, why?!

And I sit there and think, oh my god, this is never going to last.

And three months / years later they come crawling and tell me how it's not really working, she doesn't understand them the way I do and do I think there'll ever be a chance we'll get together in the future?

To which I say yes, and then I have to go shag my present boyfriend (I sometimes do have boyfriends in whom I'm not really that interested) in a broom cupboard to eradicate my bad conscience.

This is clearly not good.

Maybe I suffer from the same thing myself. I have sometimes failed to go for the person I really wanted because of a lack of confidence, because if you feel for someone so strongly, the prospect of knowing for certain that it could never, ever, work is just too painful.

So you settle for not trying properly, because at least then you can think that if you'd only tried, it might have worked out and you would have lived blissfully ever after.

I hope in a way that this is how J feels about me, that he is scared to admit he really does want to try properly because failing would be so awful. He has said many times that if it were to work with anyone, it would be with me.

Other people have said this, before going off to be with their insipid (although I admit sometimes exceptionally pretty) harmless proper girlfriends, before coming back and admitting they did really want me all along. But then it's too late.

I'm not letting that happen this time. Maybe it's something about me, maybe men feel more assured by women who need them more.

But I need J too, just not in a practical kind of way as I can do my own DIY.

The winner takes it all, and I'm not letting some boring, fashion-obsessed, shallow, conventional future house wife get the better of me this time.

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5 comments:

  1. We can't help it, we always want what we can't have - and no matter how perfect the person is in front of us...

    Sometimes we can overcome this stuff - but I don't know why.

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  2. I came across your site through blog explosion - I like your writing style. Interesting posts too. A pleasant surprise!

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  3. Well, I must admit you do sound perfect. And if the things you wrote about your breasts and BJ technique are near the mark, you probably are perfect.

    Sigh...

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  4. You like football and have nice breasts? Sounds like you have it all going for you. Fight the good fight.

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  5. Thanks for compliments, all! Helps on a hungover day like this.

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Thanks for not just lurking..

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