Saturday, 7 January 2006

Flatmates from hell

I think I'm getting to old to live with people I'm not shagging.

A couple of years ago, my friend Thomas observed that anyone you live with but you're not sexually involved with, will become annoying in less than a year.

How incredibly true. Especially wise since it was spoken by a man who's lived with his girlfriend since he was 20 (they are now married and give me hope for the existence of harmonious and everlasting love. I don't think it's a coincidence that they're also among my most intelligent friends).

Because if you, like most people, fail to stick it out with your first live-in parner, these are the kinds of things that might befall you... I'm not saying that your sex partner is by default not a mentalist, but chances are you will at least be spared living with someone you don't know at all who then turns out to be a mentalist.

5 True stories of "The Flatmate From Hell"
(as experienced by me and friends)
  1. A is living in shared student accommodation. Within a year, one person has attempted suicide and another breaks down with psychosis in the kitchen.

  2. One of my ex flatmates used to never tidy or clean, then throw tantrums at me if she one day decided she wanted a tidy flat. She also attempted to sleep with (my) US ex. Although having that said, she did lend me her car a lot.

  3. Another good one from A: His flatmate has a visitor who looks in the freezer, decides she doesn't like the look of A's food so leaves it to defrost on the floor in front of the door of his room.

  4. I live in a shared house. One girl is heavily involved with the social services, and is constantly having very aggressive cocaine-addled fights with her boyfriend on the steps to the house. One day we realise we haven't seen her for a while. Landlord breaks down door to find she's fled the scene without paying rent, leaving us to pay her share of the bills for the past few months.

  5. S is living in shared student accomodation. One guy out of the six is acting a bit strange.

    One morning. a turd shows up next to the toilet bowl. Everyone thinks it's gross, but people put it down to a wild party the night before.

    The next day, the same happens again. They start wondering a bit. In fact, the whole flat seems to smell strange.

    Half a week later, they realise nobody's seen the Weird Guy for a while. Simultaneously they trace the awful smell to his door.

    They knock, with no response. In the end they call the landlord, who breaks down the door to find Weird Guy + room smeared in faeces.

    Weird Guy is taken away and never seen again.

Needless to say, this is nothing but an argument for J to move in with me.

Depressed Flatmate is back, and lo and behold I think she might have got some last night! I saw a pair of male trainers when I left for work this morning.

She appears to be doing a little better after the Christmas break, but still, living with her is not ideal.

I'm constantly tiptoing around her, and every time she's due to come home I get tense and nervous that she might be in a complete state.

It's not just about her spesific issues though. It's about privacy in general.

Last night after going out for a lovely meal, J and I huddled onto my bed (in anticipation of Depressed Flatmate's date which appears to have gone quite well) playing board games and chatting.

Which was cosy in a way, but I'm tired of having to defect to my room. It feels like living with my parents again or something, where your house isn't really yours to do what you want, when you want to.

I know that J feels the same way about this.

He's so far spent a total of three nights in his new flat. The fact that the bed is crap and the door to his room has been taken off the hinges due to refurbishment might have something to do with it, but I think he's also realised that it's nicer to stay with me.

Yesterday he asked what I want for Valentine's day. You can't say the man doesn't plan ahead.

And I said, I want a bunch of roses with a card attached that says "I've changed my mind, I want to move in with you".

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        1. Oh dear... want to pop over for some HTML tuition?

        2. Since my daughters were little I've had housemates. I still have two. Both men, both completely and utterly lovely.

          Funnily enough I think I'd find it harder to live with a partner now than with these friends

        3. Wow, I know what it's like to have problem roomates, I'm hoping to move out of my current flat by summer. Sorry for being so absent, seems like you've kept busy. Happy new year darling!

        4. I've been quite lucky with roommates, thankfully, and managed to work my way out of them and now only share my house with cats. Some days I would trade Stormy for another roommate...but never had your stories from hell!


        Thanks for not just lurking..

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