Monday, 23 January 2006

Love me a little

I think J has actually been thinking about how it feels to say I love you whilst not having a hard-on.

We've not seen each other today as we were both busy; it's the first day this year that we haven't actually seen each other at all.

The way to a woman's heart is via small pieces of potato
It is strange how J seems to doubt his feelings when we don't see each other.

He does in general tend to pathologically overanalyse things, and has told me that he for instance thinks that the fact that he doesn't constantly (and I mean constantly) think about me when we're apart, probably means he doesn't love me.

"When you love someone, I always imagined they should be with you constantly", he says.

And the romantic part of me agrees; if you really love some one, in a sense they are always with you.

But the practical part of me knows that this is not really how it is. Sometimes, and especially if you, like J, are a person who feels like he always has too much on his plate as it is, there just isn't time for constant contemplation on the peachy softness of your loved one's skin and so on.

And he asks me how I can be so categorical about loving him. "It seems always that people just 'know'. How can they just know?"

Well, that would be "because they don't pathologically question every single twitch in their chest".

And because they weren't subjected to a mentalist mother who was all double messagey in an emotionally bullying way.

But mostly the former.

But I don't often have the heart to tell him this, because he looks at me with those big brown eyes and I can tell that it is really hurting him that he doesn't think he feels what he thinks he should feel.

We've had a lot of conversations about what love is. Personally I still stick to the onion theory. If you keep thinking that 'this feels good, but this isn't what love really is', you'll end up with two empty hands and a lot of tears. Love isn't something at the core of your day-to-day feelings, it is the sum of all of them, and hopefully a sum which is greater than its parts.

Yesterday morning, I woke as he slipped back under the covers after an early visit to the toilet. He pulled me in for a cuddle, and all I knew was that it was really warm and comfortable, that I belong next to him, under the covers.

And I said, "I love you. Lots. And you love me a little."

And he said, "yes, I do think that's the case."

2 comments:

  1. You know I did wonder about that a while, from a man's point of view. Though I do think his frankness is verging on the cruel side a bit. My wife has similar conversations with me sometimes, I'm not comparing our relationships but there is a similar dynamic there. My thought is; maybe to some degree you make it harder for him to even know if he really loves you by crowding his thoughts with guilt that he may not [love you] in the face of your needs/devotion? You know its not always easy just to know what you want in life when someone else wants something very badly for you. Not to dissimilar to a parent who so stifles the child they love so much with guilt of their unrealised expectations.

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  2. Winning back the love of a guy who dumped you isn't easy. It's not enough to just want him back, you've actually got to make him want you as well. Getting his attention might be easier than you think, but it also may involve moves you never really considered. I have gone through the process and priestandrew@yahoo.com was were i got the chance to win my guy back and i would recommend his services to you all..........Malanie

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Thanks for not just lurking..

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