Wednesday, 11 January 2006

My therapist said

Well, my therapist said nothing, because I don't have one.

J is calling his therapist today, although they haven't formally seen each other for almost a year, to ask if she thinks it's a good idea that we move in together.

Seeing it as her last known words were "hang onto this relationship at all cost", I have always been of the impression that her and I are on the same team, so to speak.

It's a little sad, of course. When I want to justify my actions, I call a handfull of friends, carefully picked for the kind of response I want (down-to-earth careful advice: K in Germany; happy-go-lucky you can do it advice: M from home) and then do exactly as I'm told as I already knew what they'd say before I called them.

Sometimes, or probably most times, I think we only ever ask advice to confirm what we have already in our mind decided.

It could be just me, but I don't think it's a coincidence that my male friends always ask me if I think they should dump their girlfriends, which I invariably do, as they present competition for their time and in most cases hate me.

But sometimes there are situations where I genuinely don't know what to do. Before breaking up with my previous boyfriend, which I concede I did want to, I consulted about a thousand people who all said different things.

In the end, it was my friend H who was the make it or break it (as it were). She said to remember that relationships are always really hard work, and that I had to decide if I was going through a discontented phase or if this was genuinely how I felt.

And that was exactly the distinction I needed to make in my mind to be able to make the move that was right for me.

Additionally, my masseur said that which ever choice you make becomes the only option once it's chosen. Bless him.

And I am thinking how incredibly hard it must be for J to decide what it is he wants without the access to an emotional sounding board. I am his sounding board, but clearly I'm going to be slightly biased in issues pertaining to our relationship.

He has friends, but they are people he plays football with, not people he dissects personal traumas with.

I know this is the case for many men who lack female friends, but I think especially for him, as he's very shy.

So I really don't mind if he asks his therapist.

Because I'm sure she'll agree with me...

Coincidentally, if you want to read some quite amusing poetry by Hal Sirowitz, who wrote the poetry collection after which this post is named (I should use the word 'eponymous' I think but am unsure of which preposition to apply), click here.


  1. Can I be honest, at the risk of upsetting you ever so slightly?

    ("Yes, W... I always want you to be honest.")

    Okay... WTF does J need to ask his effing therapist for??? God, I want to give him a good shake...

  2. I love it when people ask that, as it means they're clearly about to...

    I guess he needs to ask her because he trusts her opinion more than he trusts his own. Which obviously shows why he was in therapy in the first place.

    Although as I said above, you only really ask people if you know deep inside that they're going to give you the answer you want anyway...

    I've tried the shaking thing* and it didn't work, but thanks for the kind offer!

    *obviously not to the degree of domestic violence

  3. 1. Anyone whose blog name for herself is "J's girlfriend" needs therapy.

    2. Anyone who posts private details of their intimate relations on the internet in such a way that anyone who knows them could probably figure out who they are probably isn't ready for a serious relationship.

    3. Therapists aren't supposed to tell people what to do/not do unless the patient is at risk for harming himself or others.

    4. Yes, I am a therapist. But fortunately for me I am not your therapist, because I think I would have what we euphemistically call a "countertransference" problem with you.


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