Wednesday, 18 January 2006

Say it anyway

It's early. Really early.

The time of day when you're never really awake unless you have very young children. And even then I suspect you would feel a bit like I do now, zombified and a little hungry for no apparent reason.

It's been hard to sleep lately. Last weekend, I lay awake for ages before drifting off. J fell asleep before me as he often does, legs twitching as he dreams about football, breath strangely short.

I was thinking about things. I would probably have blogged about it sooner, but the fire and everything kind of got in the way.

I was afraid I am getting tired of all this; tired of someone claiming not to love me although they act as if they do, tired of having to be the one who hopes and believes, tired of being scared it might all end at any time.

And strangely, although this kind of anxiety usually only comes over me when I'm naked in bed and ready to sleep, it has crept up on me while I'm sitting here in front of the screen; possibly because my brain is half asleep anyway; I bet if you scanned it there wouldn't be much beta activity.

The morning after I woke up tired, and I couldn't find it in myself to get out of bed. I just wanted to rub my nose on J's smooth upper arm, play with his chest hair while he kissed my head so I didn't have to think that he doesn't love me.

Because he says he doesn't, but he acts as if he does. That's what makes it so difficult. If I thought he really didn't love me, I'd be out the door in a second.

But I think he does. I don't think you can hold someone and kiss them like that if you don't love them.

And he treats me like a princess, he laughs at my jokes, is unable to concentrate on things I say because he finds me so cute, he lavishes attention on my every body part, even the ones I hate myself.

And he looks at me in that way, that way you only look at someone if you love them, where your eyes go wide because it almost hurts to look them in the eyes.

"Should we get up?" he said, "I'll make us some breakfast."

And suddenly all my thoughts from overnight came back like a flashflood.

"I'm not getting out of bed until you decide to stay with me for good," I said.

And then I started crying. I couldn't stop. J just held me and comforted me and kissed my eyes and begged me not to cry anymore. But I still did.

I said I was scared. Scared that I'll start giving up and doing the sensible thing, which would be to cut off my own feelings for the sake of emotional protection.

"Say you love me," I said, "even if you don't mean it. I want to see what it sounds like."

"I love you," he said, and he looked straight at me.

Strangely, I felt nothing at that very moment.

"How did it feel," I said.

"I'll have to think about it when I don't have a semi-erection," he said.

Fighting still makes you horny...

Or in other words, the thinking about it, that'll be 'never'.

4 comments:

  1. I so feel for you. I just want to give you a big cuddle.

    ReplyDelete
  2. overactive-imagination20 January 2006 at 03:05

    I think it's absolutely terrible and unforgivable that he tells you that he does not love you.
    Not telling you that he loves you is different but to tell the person who you know without a doubt loves you unconditionally that you do not love them is just cruel and wrong.
    I'm sorry sweetie, I wish nothing but wonderful things for you.
    Dawn

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey,

    That’s wonderful, how fantastic, I couldn’t be happier for you. Alright so I know all is well but you need to post another blog because I need to read the next chapter… hellllooooooo where are you …cu cu?. Come on J’G we need more.
    What is this about a fire? Can’t I go away for a couple of days?! Humm let me see if I can find an earlier blog with a description of event

    Have a great weekend,
    Inês

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm back! Long weekend...

    I think he does love me, he just doesn't trust that feeling.

    He does coincidentally give me enormous amounts of cuddles to make up for being what he calls a 'bad boyfriend'.

    Look out for the overnight update and thanks for all your sympathy!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for not just lurking..

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