Tuesday, 25 April 2006

Ours will be Different

There is this saying that people would never have children if it weren't for the fact that they tell themselves that their children will be Different.

J & Me; harmonious toddler or Supernanny candidate?
I don't mean "riding in a small bus to school" different (no offense to those who did), I mean "different from those kids having temper tantrums in Tesco's and McDonalds whenever you go in".

Likewise, I think that it's impossible to enter a relationship after a couple of false starts without deluding yourself into thinking that "our relationship will be Different". Note the captial D.

My previous relationship turned me into a complete bitch (aka Girlfriend From Hell). I wasn't jealous or domineering, just incredibly criticising and cranky.

I've obviously told myself that this time around will be Different.

But low and behold, last night when I came home, Girlfriend From Hell made a visit.

I came home from work quite late on, and J had cranked up the heating (which I hate), hung the laundry to dry in the bedroom at the same time (read: sauna), and also hadn't made the bed.

We watched an episode of BtVS while I had my supper snack, and then went to bed. While making it he snapped at me, and I got so worked up about all those little things that I actually started crying.

Crazy you ask? Not half.

I like think I get upset about it because I feel insecure. I sort of think that if he loved me (which I like to think he does even if he says he doesn't know), he would pick up on these things.

But in hindsight I see of course that I have higher standards of cleanliness than him, I'm more efficient and he just likes a warm room. And it's irritating having to do it all by myself. The 'if you loved me' thing is partly a Girlfriend From Hell lame excuse.

But then on the other hand, his excuses do twist the knife. "I don't feel responsible for anything because it's not my house," he says. And yes, he is staying with me in my house for another week until we move.

It just makes me feel like he's very apprehensive about moving in with me, and that being passive is a way for him to be in denial about us living together (rather than him just visiting on a permanent basis).

To his defence, he did call me at work today to ask if there was anything he could do.

But I just want him to do it. Bizarrely, having to tell someone what to do constantly is quite tiring, and almost more annoying than just doing it yourself.

He says he'll pull himself together and do more when we actually live together and he feels like it's actually his house.

And of course he will. Because our relationship is Different...

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