Saturday, 20 May 2006

J's Girlfriend Eurovision Extravaganza

The Eurovision Song Contest is apparently being exported to the US. What would that be like? A nation that panics at the sight of a woman's nipple during the Superbowl?

Well, if it happens, I will be right here watching it.

In line with my recent tradition of showing pictures of women in compromising positons, I bring you today the Croatian entry to the Eurovision.
For you uninitiated US visitors, I can explain that the Eurovision is an annual cheese-fest where each European country (of which there are now quite a lot) submit a musical entry which is performed live on stage in the country of last year's winner.

After 20-something usually awful songs, the audiences all over Europe get to vote for their favourites via SMS, and the scores from each country are read out at the end of the live show, counting up to a winner.

[Stop press: THE MOLDOVAN PRESENTER LOOKS LIKE A VAMPIRE!! Arrrrghhh]

What happened to this grand institution of TV cheese? It used to be about 15 really bad songs sung by really ugly people, now it's over 20 songs sung by really naked people.

And, of course, now that I live in the UK, Terry Wogan ripping into Fearne Cotton. I can't stand him, ever since I saw him on Children in Need trying to feel up Katie Melua live on TV.

It is quite funny; I quite like torturing myself through the 20 songs, whilst J quite likes watching the vote.

The vote, of course, would be a grand introduction to the political alliances of Europe.

The Scandinavian countries generally all vote for each other. Norway always gives Sweden 12 points (the max), whilst Sweden never gives Norway the top score.

The Former Soviet Union countries all vote for each others, which generally puts them quite high up the list as there are so many of them.

Nobody votes for France or the UK as they not only have crap entries (France insists on singing in French) but have too many colonial skeletons in their closets.

The Eastern Europe and former Yugoslavia countries are too complex to get into.

Israel and Turkey inevitably have awful entries, so despite not having any real enemies in Europe, they never get any points.

And what is Israel doing in the Eurovision anyway? They're not even a European country!!?

So I am wondering how this would work in the US. Nobody would vote for California cause they're all jealous at it. And Texas would be frustrated about not being able to vote for itself.

Although in the end, there is usually one act which is just miles ahead of the others, because it has a smidgeon of originality or something.

[Stop press: FINLAND JUST WON!!]

Finland with their somewhat Satanic rock-inspired act.

See what those Finnish guys look like? Let that be a lesson, Croatia
I mean, even Greece (whose act looks oddly like a cross between Shakira, Madonna and Fearne Cotton) gave them 'douze points' (the French insist scores are read out in both French and English).

And they're not even a Nordic country.

But the intro part of the Finnish band's website reads 'Hellcome'.

They deserved it. Even Wogan agrees.

But that aside, I would just like to say that Bucksfizz and Gina G ruined the Eurovision. And then you gave us Gemini a few years ago. Britons, be ashamed of yourselves... Bring me back to the days of Abba. Please.

But enough now. Got to listen to the Finnish victor's encore. An ugly band playing quite gruesome music. Just the way I like my Eurovision. See you all next year.

5 comments:

  1. I voted for the Russian cutie!

    Btw, have found Eurovision Song Contest 2006 CD for $1.44 at www.mp3sale.ru

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  2. You see the band-member on the far right? I think I woke up next to her a couple of weeks ago.

    Or maybe it was her sister. Uncanny resemblance, anyhow.

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  3. Sounds a heluva lot more interesting than American Idol.

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  4. I actually thought our (the UK) entry had a chance this year... until I saw the Finns, then I knew we were screwed :)
    The political voting has been a real nightmare since each country's decision went to the public vote a few years ago, so I can't see us winning again anytime in the near future.
    For the record, I voted for Germany...

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  5. I like the entry from Romania. I guess Israel is part of the contest since most of the Israelites are originally lived in Europe before and also the country is member of the European Broadcasting Union. I love Eurovision as most European homosexuals! If it were Queentastic representing Norway at least it gives us the chance to ward off those ugly creatures with queer power!

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