Thursday, 15 June 2006

Get a gay boyfriend :: The elusive Perfect Blowjob

OK, maybe it wouldn't work for everyone... But I'm just being more upbeat after yesterday's 'exhibitionist but definitely not in a sexy way' post.

But anyway, my sweet blog-friend (if I am permitted to call her that; well, actually I just have) Janikos has asked me how to give a good blowjob.

If your body looks like this; sorry, not much I can do for you
Well, I would love to say that there are as many opinions on this as there are men in the world, but largely, there are a few main pointers.

I learned most of my tricks from my gay ex, who, being an expert provider (or so he said) as well as very articulate and a grateful receiver, was the best teacher I could have asked for.

Many men I meet are puzzled about that whole bit of my relationship history... but that's until I get down to business...

So here it goes.

Give a perfect blowjob -in three easy steps

  1. No sharp teeth! You'd think this goes without saying, but according to some of my exes it doesn't. Nibbling a little is fine if you know someone, but sharp biting is never a good thing. The best way to avoid this is to kind of wrap your lips around your teeth as you slide down the shaft. Doing this also helps you apply pressure.
  2. Make sure you like it. If a man likes the idea of forcing you to suck him when you actually hate it, you should probably grab your stilettoes and run, girlfriend. But if you seem like don't like it, there's largely no point. One of the biggest turn-ons for many is hearing/seeing the girl enjoy giving head. Although don't overdo the slurping/moaning thing, you're not a dog/in porn! If you're not a moaner, you're not a moaner. If you think cum tastes rubbish, switch to a hand job before he does. Or make him eat cinnamon and avoid dairy and cheap meat produce which generally makes it taste awful.
  3. Use your hand(s). You have two; if he's lying down and you're bending over between his legs, support yourself on one and use the other as a helping 'handjob', as a live cockring or just to hold the skin tautly at the base of the shaft. Or, even better, clench your bum to support yourself and use both hands! Bouncy buttocks and pleasuring boyfriend, all in one! That's sexercise for you... If your bum can't take the pressure, kneeling in front of the man is also a tried and tested exercise to free up both hands. Also, your hand will help you control the thrust which feels safer; I have emitophobia and although my gag reflex is not much to boast about, I wouldn't want anyone to hit it.
Only three steps, I hear you exclaim.

Well, of course there's all that Cosmo bullshit about twisting your tongue around his urethra and massaging the prostate (from the outside or the inside) or sucking on a testicle (again; DO NOT CHEW!) or throwing in a bit of rimming for good measure.

But I've actually found that the above three do the job for most guys. All the other stuff is stuff you can try out with each guy when you get bored, or when he gets bored (unlikely; I've never met a guy who said "oh no, not more oral sex, purleeease, eurrgh, fed up now") or when you just feel adventurous.

And, lastly on the topic:

The blowjob dilemmas every girl has to face

  1. To suck or not to suck: Well, that really depends, doesn't it. When you close your lips around a penis, you basically create a soft vacuum in your mouth on the 'upstroke' without any added sucking. Best to ask "do you want me to suck harder?"
  2. To stop or not to stop: Some guys are actually so sensitive that if you keep going frantically when they cum it's painful for them. You should know him well enough to be able to tell "that fucking hurts" writhing from "oh yes please" writhing or you probably shouldn't be sucking on his you-know-what.
  3. To swallow or not to swallow: Sorry. I've never met a guy who said "I like it when you spit". If you really hate the taste, don't feel obliged, but try:
    • Catching it in the back of your mouth and swallowing without really tasting it (as you would cod liver oil).
    • Avoid washing it around in your mouth (again; you wouldn't do that with cod liver oil unless you like it).
    • Take a sip of something to drink to wash it down.
    • Have sex often. A man who's been saving his load for weeks on end => potentially yuk.
    • Keep going for as long as possible before he shoots his load (I felt this article would be incomplete without that expression, dear readers) as this tends to make the cum more runny and digestible. Why, I do not know.

But anyway. If you've brought him to the edge of orgasm he should be thanking you regardless of whether you insist on spitting it out on his chest (in fact, many men like cumming on chests so it's important they know what it feels (and smells!) like).

Also, just knowing he's turned you on enough to want to go down on him is usually a turn-on for him. You're damn hot, you are! If he's too shy to tell you how he likes it if you're doing something wrong, that's his loss. Having read this, you're now a cocksucking goddess. If such a thing exists.

And remember: A blowjob a day keeps other women away.

Good luck, and all you men out there, you really, really owe me. And I'm not just talking to the select few who have personally tasted the goods.

The challenge is on for one of you to return the favour for all those girls who are too shy to direct you properly...

PS! Also avoid getting cum in your eye. It stings.

8 comments:

  1. Wow - I have to be first... Usually I love being the first to comment on a post, but this time I'm sort of embarrassed. I feel compelled to comment though, to let you know how much I appreciated this post. I'm 37 years old, and still didn't know how to use two hands to give a BJ - or how to make it taste better. This sort of thing ought to be taught to women in the months before their wedding, so they will know how to please their husbands... I know Jake is going to be very greatful to you for posting this...

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  2. Thanks for the compliments; glad you found it useful! Personally I thought it was the kind of thing a girl needs to know to get someone to *want* to marry her ;o)

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  3. Great blog! I just found you. I also like your animated profile drawing!

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  4. Glad to read that the whole colposcopy thing went ahead without too much fuss...

    But very sorry to learn that you are forced to endure three weeks of abstinence...

    WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!! *cackles*

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  5. One of my ex's turned out to be bi, does that count? (however I'd never ask him for tips, we're not on good terms.)
    As always my dear you're my hero and thanks a bundle for your help you're advice will be put to quick work once I get to see my love again :)
    p.s. Did you ever catch that email from me?

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  6. This is kind of a late comment, but to your comment about gagging, one of my flings told me that what she does is either go by the local sex shop and buy something that you can use to eliminate the gag, or even sucking ona mint (or altoid) can actually help a lot. Just a thought (she was very skilled)

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  7. women who swallow cod liver oil turn me right the fuck on...

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Thanks for not just lurking..

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