Saturday, 10 June 2006

Late night musings

Do people ever really end up with the one they love most?

Sometimes when I'm having dinner with J, or we're watching Buffy together, or I am waiting for him to come home after work, I worry about this.

Negotiations with myself are constantly ongoing
I love J. I really do.

But I have loved others, and from my first love I will always have a hole in my heart, as if I'm waiting for him to return and fill it.

Maybe your first love is always like that, maybe you never quite forget them.

It's easy to keep meeting new people, because the first flush of passion drowns out so many things.

I'm not by saying this trying to hint at wanting to oust J from my life; I've decided it's time for me to settle down with someone; he's a lovely person and I can see us having a good life together (once he gets on with his therapy).

It's just that I always thought that when I got to this stage, where I want my boyfriend to love me and buy me a house rather than love me and leave me, I'd stop thinking of the one who got away, I'd stop having the kind of dreams where you wake up with a sick feeling of longing in your stomach, where you want to write down in detail the memories you still have of the person because you can't bear the thought of them slipping away even more.

But it's still there, the longing.

My first love; when I look back I can see that he has ruled every relationship decision I've made for the past ten years.

When he broke up with his long-term girlfriend, it was the nudge I needed to break up with my boyfriend.

When he settled down with another girl, I finally found the peace to settle down with someone else as well. J.

I understand. Our mutual friends tell me (knowing very little of how I feel) that he has talked about me much, I know he sees me as the one who got away.

Why he went with someone else in the end I don't know. Maybe he got tired of waiting for me to come home. Ten years is a long time to wait.

Maybe he realised I would never want to save him, so he found someone who wanted to.

But I still miss him, I miss the feeling that everything is OK just because you're next to someone, that you don't have to weigh your words because it doesn't matter, but you do anyway because you want to be the best you can for that person.

And I look around me, people are getting married and settle down; have they all met that one person that makes them feel just right?

Or have they not, and don't know what they're missing, or maybe they don't care?

I know deep down that settling with J is a choice I've made. I've never been forced to do it by the strength of my own emotion, that feeling that this is the person who's been out there waiting for me all these years.

And there's nothing wrong with that. That conviction gives me the strength to fight against the tough times when we argue and he's depressed. Because I made a decision that we could make it work.

Yet at the moment, my mind feels blank.

He just called me at work to say he's going to bed, but is looking forward to a long cuddle when I get back tomorrow morning.

He bought two slices of strawberry cheesecake and said they were both for me, he just wanted to see me enjoy them.

He patiently explains why the World Cup playoff is called 'the finals', even though I think only the actual finals (from 'quater finals' onward) should be called 'finals'.

Of course I love him. Still after so many times of our bodies meshing together I find there are little curves I haven't yet explored, and I look at him and deeply want him. I love him, but loving J and being with him is never easy, it's always hard work.

I feel tired.

It could just be because I slept all day and then wasted the evening and afternoon watching two games of football.

But I feel old.

3 comments:

  1. In answer to the Question... no, not necessarily. But sometimes what you think is yopur great love is just the project of your imagination, and more than a little projection.

    Anyway, you and I haven't met yet :-)

    Have a lovely weekend x

    ReplyDelete
  2. The first cut is the deepest ....

    I am still madly inlove with my first love and in my opinion there is a lot of people settling for half backed relationships, most of my friends are in okish situation, getting by with their partner but not sure if they are truly living... but who am I to have an opinion eh eh

    ReplyDelete
  3. Product. The "product" of your imagination...

    Tsk.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for not just lurking..

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