Thursday, 3 August 2006

Maybe some sex toys

I think I must be tired. This is a ridiculous time of night to be awake.

For the last week or so I've not even wanted sex.

If it's not a packet of crisps, I'm not interested...
I've masturbated daily (I heart shower head), but I've not actually really felt like sex.

Although I did eventually lose my recently acquired virginity.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me exactly; and believe me, something is wrong. Even when I had a gay boyfriend we were at it at least once a day.

J's approach to sex is completely different from mine.

He's sort of like, "I haven't orgasmed for about four days, it's time for some action."

And I guess that puts me off.

We've been together for almost two years now, but I still find him sexy.

Even when, like tonight, he's slinking past me from the shower, still damp from the shower, to go to bed early.

And if I see that repeatedly, it makes me horny. Usually very.

I don't think that's how he sees it. To him it's all a physical, mechanical thing, just like sleeping, eating or taking a really satisfying shit.

Which is not to say that I equate sex with love. Sex is not love, although having sex with someone you love is in most cases better than it is with someone you don't love.

But there has to be passion involved. It's not that I get bored, I don't need 65 positions and odd sex toys.

I need to feel that I am doing it because I want to, not because I can.

With my ex, we had sex daily and I didn't really mind. But I know I did it because I could, and not because I really wanted to.

It just so happened that for me, once a day was a good amount, so I kept it up.

I really worry that this is how J feels about me.

My ex was good in bed, he would have done anything I asked, and although many other things were wrong in our relationship, I had satisfying orgasms on a very regular basis.

Still, I didn't desire him. Maybe because I didn't love him, so that once the initial sex haze and novelty factor wore off, there was little left.

It took J three years to tell his ex that he didn't love her. He's told me that he doesn't from the beginning.

Maybe part of me wants to punish him for getting off so lightly, for having his cake and eating it.

Although obviously if I were to deny us both sex, I'd usually most of all be punishing myself.

But now I don't even want it anymore.

It's all very confusing.

I think I need some help here.

Or maybe some sex toys.


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2 comments:

  1. Oh dear, this is what happends when you have sex without consulting your G.P....

    No, I jest. I'm not sure sex toys are the answer either, but I still think you should buy an ENORMOUS luminous dildo, just for comedy value.

    ReplyDelete
  2. All the women I've ever really loved... and I mean REALLY loved... I found it very difficult to have sex with, or even to think about in a sexual way. I had too much respect for them. Fucked-up but true.

    So - this might mean J REALLY loves you. But don't expect him to say it...

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for not just lurking..

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