Wednesday, 2 August 2006

The unbearable lightness of being

No, not the absolutely horrible film, nor the rather more palatable novel.

I'm having a restless day.

It's all your fault, SquareSoft
One of those days when you have a constant feeling that something important is wrong, but you can't say exactly what it is.

Kind of like the feeling you get on your way to the airport for a holiday; that you;ve forgotten to pack something crucial (this feeling is usually alleviated by excessive screaming as you discover at the check-in that you don't have a passport/credit card/anti-malaria tablets).

"Something is missing in my life," I complained to J, with half an eye still on Final Fantasy X (they've put off the release of FFXII to December, the evil bastards. Can't they see I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and need relief??!).

He was't much help, on his way to do his mindfulness homework.

"I know you're not happy," I said.

"Why do you keep telling me you're happy when you're not? I need to feel I'm doing what I can to help you get happier."

"And I'm sorry for getting angry that you crushed two mangoes while making dinner."

J looked at me (I could tell despite now concentrating about 80% on the playstation).

"It's OK," he said. "I took it badly. You were disappointed there would be no mango salsa, I understand."

"At least we didn't argue."

As he went upstairs to settle down on our bed to feel the draft between his toes, I felt a little better. It is true. We are learning to argue less.

But I think I need more than that.

I need to feel anchored.

My whole life I've felt this restlessness, and when I met J, for the first time in my life I thought I would be able to stand still and be comfortable with it.

How ironic (in the most Morisette-esque meaning of the word) that I should meet someone who is so unable to allow me to do that.

I don't need to find a new job, or more friends, or a better life.

What I need is help to settle down and appreciate what I have.

It seems the only thing I really appreciate at the moment is J, to such an extent that it scares me.

Not to mention the thought of him giving up on us and leaving, that completely terrifies me.

We had sex yesterday for the first time in over a month, and for some reason, despite it being really nice and me having an unusually powerful orgasm, I felt distant. Like it didn't mean anything.

Everything is light. I can leave my job. J doesn't need me. I can't seem to make myself care what I eat, what I wear, how I look.

I need to feel heavy, to know that I matter.

Or maybe I just need to kill off a few more monsters in Final Fantasy.


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3 comments:

  1. Thanks for your special introduction and really love your site as well, look forward to staying in touch, with best wishes, The Artist

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  2. Or maybe you need to get GTA San Andreas so that you can care about what the character wears, eats, etc.

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  3. Thanks for the compliment, Artist; I do really like your art, it wasn't just marketing!

    And Kieran; GTA was last year's project, unfortunately... I didn't go the whole shebang of 100 per cent completion though... Maybe it's time to invest in that strategy guide afterall.

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Thanks for not just lurking..

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