Friday, 13 October 2006

Closer

I mean the film. It's probably the most depressing piece of celluloid I've watched since "5x2" (that is "cinq fois deux" or something to you and me).

"If you believe in love at first sight, you never stop looking"
Something tells me that the director took the most painful breakups of his life (although let's face it, they're all painful) and amalgamated them into a film, only softened by the unrealistically good looks of the protagonists.

It was an interesting film too though; posing not very profound but quite poignant questions about what love is. What is the difference between falling in love, in lust or actually loving someone? Is there a difference?

It was kind of like Nick Hornby doing a Woody Allen; it was Manhattan, but a couple of decades on and with better dialogue.

There were a lot of good lines which could have been funny if they weren't so tragic. Things we all think of saying but mostly manage not to. "Why do you love her more than me?" "Because she doesn't need me." Or "He tasted like you, but sweeter." That kind of thing.

I was quite shaken and had to cry a little on J's shoulder before going to sleep.

Somehow I feel stuck between being The Girl in the film (who can just say "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye." and that's it - how nice it used to be to think that this is how love works) and being The Woman (who can be sensible and guilt tripped into making a decision she ultimately doesn't go back on).

I think I feel especially fragile because I broke up with my previous boyfriend around this time of year; or that is, I broke up with him a million times over in my head between October and New Year.

The words didn't make it out of my mouth until January.

I just remember that horrible Christmas; on about Boxing Day even his self-absorbed person realised that something was awfully wrong between us; he cried and I lied (saying I loved him; what else could I do, it was Chrismas!!). And the whole time I couldn't wait to get away from him and for there to be no "us" anymore.

And now I'm worried, deeply worried in that way that haunts your dreams so you wake up with grinding teeth and a headache, that J feels the same way.

He says he doesn't, but then again that's what I said.

Funny how other people lying to me doesn't seem to affect my trust in humanity, whereas me lying to someone clearly does.

At least he doesn't see the need to say that he loves me.

When I ask him if he wants us to stay together, he just hugs me tight and says "All I know is that I want to be happier".

Well, so do I.

But I also want to be closer.

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1 comment:

  1. There's a big difference between the two, but my assumption is that you know that, and were asking the question in a kind of rhetorical way.

    I felt like sighing deeply at the end of that post... it seems to me that some people don't see the wood for the trees, and end up losing everything as a consequence. I'll say no more on the subject.

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