Thursday, 5 October 2006

Light at the end of tunnel

I think I've reached a small turning point.

To a great extent helped by J.

We went to bed tonight for a quickie, but at the end neither of us felt very horny (for him this of course completely normal, but I think you'll agree that it says something quite particular about my late state of mind) and we ended up having an extended cuddle session instead.

Light at the end of tunnel by holla back.

J was telling me about his plans once he starts work after his promotion comes into effect (yes, of course he's got a promotion, he's very clever, you know), saying he plans to stay in his new job for at least 18 months.

I felt very selfish and self-pitying but couldn't keep myself from saying "well, at least you have a plan in one field of your life."

I think it's the whole not knowing where I'll be working or if I'll be a lonely spinster at 30 that really gets to me.

"I know," he said.

"But I want you to know that I will also be staying with you for at least 18 months."

It helped a little.

Maybe it's an age thing, but more and more lately I've been obsessively conscious of how we only have one life. And it's very short.

When I was younger, I didn't really think about it.

I didn't explicitly think that I'd get the chance to have a 30-year long meaningful relationship (including travelling the world, a mortgage and children) with every man I've ever loved at some point, but nor was I explicitly aware that this would be physically impossible.

It really bothers me now; for some reason, the reason probably being my current frame of mind, I just feel an acute sense of loss, that I'll never be with all these wonderful people that I met at the wrong time or the wrong place.

It's not that I'm not happy where I am (OK, I know I'm miserable at the moment, but I do really love J), it's just that... I guess when my heart broke on each of those occasions, what got me through it was thinking that maybe, someday, we'd be able to be together the way we were meant to before circumstances pulled us apart.

Maybe I've followed my head too much and not my heart enough in letting my studies and carreer come between me and those I loved.

I don't mean that this happened to me in relationships where I simply didn't love the other person; I know the difference. It happened when I deeply loved someone that I just couldn't be with right there and then for whatever reason.

And, of course, relationships that are never tested out properly never lose that elusive box-freshness that disappears as soon as you share a fridge with someone for more than six months in a row.

I think I'm experiencing some late 20s growing pains at the moment. It really is very painful. I had a really easy teens, and apparently I'm being punished with a vengeance for not moping a decade ago.

But I'm getting on really well with J. I love him. We could build a wonderful life together, and if I wasn't feeling so down, I wouldn't be hearing all those voices of people I guess I unwittingly thought I'd have the chance to wake up next to at least one more time in my life.

There seems to be light at the end of the tunnel. And yes, I am really hoping it's not a coming train...

1 comment:

Thanks for not just lurking..

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