Tuesday, 3 October 2006

Same old, same old

Maybe we all only ever get to be in one relationship, ever.

All my relationships have been similar; I love them, they don't love me, after two years I get tired of this or worn out by their problems and I feel I have to leave.

I swear they stare at you
And then I do.

And I think I'm getting to that stage now.

Everything feels heavy today.

It has gotten progressively worse.

This morning, I went for a very lovely country walk with a friend; she's one of these great people who unlike most of the English population is not afraid to get soaked in the rain.

There is something deeply soothing about wading through mud, although there is something deeply disconcerted about being followed by a herd of bullocks for no apparent reason (as we were at one point).

Afterwards, when J came home, we walked to the grocery store and he bought me a whole apple pie despite my vow to slim down a bit (he thinks I don't need to) and then he made an absolutely gorgeous lamb chili which I argued actually tasted like a curry.

And that's when I collapsed. While he was cooking dinner, I gave in to the vague headache I'd felt all day and fell asleep on the sofa.

When I woke, the headache had got worse. And since then I've just felt really depressed. Or when I say 'just', that's actually a lie. I've also been incredibly restless and irritable.

I don't know what it is.

Oh of course I do; of course I know that I'm tired of his lack of commitment, of how all his energy is soaked into the black hole of his depression and low self-esteem.

I'm tired of asking that myriad of question to which the answer is always "I don't know", followed by a lip curl and a shrug.

But I swore to myself two years ago that this would not happen, that this time it wouldn't be it.

And I pray every day that my love for J and his affection for me, which he does express a hundred times a day in his own inadequate way, will be enough to see me through.

But sometimes, like today, I just don't know where I'll take the strength from.

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