Friday, 17 November 2006

Ultimatum


ground leaves
Originally uploaded by *evil beth*.

I can't believe it. I actually issued an ultimatum to J today; either he sorts himself out or I'll leave.

I've realised that at the moment I'm working full time plus doing about 15 hours a week extra ahead of my "career change", and I could really do without having to be the pseudo-therapist of my boyfriend at the same time.

J is like an alcoholic. He clings to his negative and obsessive thinking in the same way a drunk will cling to a bottle of listerine. His obsessions are the only thing that are true, that matter; everything else is unsure and he doesn't trust it.

Today he woke me at 0600 (on my day off!!!) to ask me what he needs to do re. the job he started a week ago; the obsession for the three last months has been that he'll be unable to do it.

It's the first time this has happened. He sometimes wakes me accidentally because he can't sleep, but he's never purposefully woken me before.

Of course he's looking for reassurance; that's what obsessives do. But through my sleep-deprivation (I've had early starts all week and was really needing to catch up), it dawned on me that it wasn't him talking. It was his obsession.

Yet he won't give it up. Many times, yes, sometimes in situations like this when he's obviously beyond contact, but also in other cases, when he's calm, I've talked to him about the fact that I don't think he'll get better until he admits that his obsessions are a foe, not a friend, and that he'll have to give them up.

Underlying it all is of course his fundamental lack of self-confidence, but it's hard to get at that without addressing the "symptoms" first, as the cycle has to be broken somewhere and it's hard to just "inject" someone with confidence.

After about 30 min of semi-arguing, I decided to go and watch a DVD to calm down. He got ready for work and came downstairs to chat some more.

I told him what I'd decided. Unless he faces up to his denial and admits that he has to let go of the unhelpful thoughts, and that they are in fact making him worse rather than improving the situation; unless he admits that the obsessing, rather than his base ability to do his job, is the problem, I'm leaving.

If he wants to run himself into the ground, I can't watch it. I need stability, I'm taking a big leap in my life in a few months and I can't do with any dead weight when doing it.

I love him, and it hurt when I said it, and maybe I won't go through with it. I'm hoping I won't have to. But at this stage, I don't know what else to do. I guess sometimes love just ain't enough.

4 comments:

  1. It's true... love isn't always enough... but all we can do is follow our hearts...

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  2. I'm sorry, but in a way I'm glad this has happened. I hope things improve, but sometimes people need a catalyst. Like a rocket up the arse.

    Did I sound harsh?

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  3. Hello Again Darling, I hope he get's his life sorted out. Did you miss me? The play finally had it's closing last night after a bout a month or severe stress and pain, and it went smashingly. I'm glad it's over. and now I have time to work on the new site. :) Wish you lot's of love and luck my Dear.

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  4. Thanks for all that! And Ms Nikos, I have indeed missed ya!

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Thanks for not just lurking..

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