Sunday, 17 December 2006

Don't speak

I think one of my best friends has been lost...

He's my number one on the list of "all the men I've never slept with", and extremely dear to me; we've been very close for most of my adult life.


I haven't felt like playing
this song since I was about 16, but
somehow it seems right today
Or at least we used to be.

I know that men are notoriously flaky, and I'm not a high maintenance female friend.

But he has started standing me up, he never emails me anymore, never calls.

JR and I used to live together, when I was still with my previous boyfriend. He's the only friend I have who has seen me through all my three live-in boyfriends to date, and I have to say that the notion that I'm losing him is almost as painful as any separation related to those other guys who'd actually seen me naked.

JR always knows what I'm thinking, always says the right thing; he was the first to know that I was dumping my previous boyfriend, he knew it at least three months before I knew it myself.

He helped me get my first proper job and helped me find my footing in London. When I lived abroad and away from him for a year, he came to visit me and we wrote intermittent but extremely long emails to each other until I got back.

I realise this is whingeing. But I'm not asking him to be my surrogate boyfriend. I'm just asking that he has time to meet me at Selfridges for sushi twice a year to make me feel... I don't know, understood.

I was there for him when he almost broke up with his now fiancee (the breakup lasted all of six hours), and I can see now that this is when the "breakup" between me and him started.

Maybe seeing me is too much of a reminder of all that is lacking in his relationship with his girlfriend. Sounds arrogant, but she and I really are complete opposites in every way, and I think he knows that he's chosen her with his head and longing for security rather than with his heart.

I rang him to see if he had time for lunch the other day; he cried off when I was in the restaurant already waiting for him. When I came home and told J, he just said he wasn't surprised. And I realise he's right. JR's life doesn't have a space for me anymore.

Right as I was getting together with J, I was planning to move back together with JR as he was going to dump his girlfriend with whom he was sharing at the time; I was between flats and it seemed like a good idea. I conselled him through the months leading to the planned breakup at Christmas; he was really upset and we were on the phone loads.

Then, of course, he ended up not breaking up with her at all. For reasons I've never really understood, I felt incredibly betrayed and upset. I knew in a way that he would slide away from me, that he'd chosen his girlfriend over me when I hadn't even realised there was a choice to be made.

The summer after, we went on several weekend trips together; I met his family for the first time and everything seemed fine.

But I see now that it wasn't. It's as if that summer was his long goodbye; since then he's been more and more distant. There was never an argument or a falling out, he's just drifting away.

A few months ago, he sent me a one-line email a few months ago saying he was engaged. I almost fell off my chair. Only a month prior to that he was still debating whether or not he wanted to stay with his girlfriend. But I was happy for him, and still am. He has made a choice and that's always better than living in emotional limbo.

As I'm sitting here writing, I am coming to wonder if he felt that I betrayed him when I got together with J. When we first got together, he never thought it would last, and maybe subconsciously thought that finally we'd both be alone, together, as it were. And then I stayed with J, and the chance passed.

JR is my soulmate and will probably always be. But I guess a girl just can't ever have everything she wishes for in life. I chose J, and my best friend has unchosen me. I'm really hoping it's worth it in the long run.



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5 comments:

  1. Hi yer. Thank you for visiting and dropping your comment. Pretty cool blog design. But, relationship, relationship and more relationship. It's a bore isn't it?

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  2. Well, it's either coming out here or my head explodes!

    But what else in life is really interesting apart from how people relate to each other..?

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  3. hey! i am going through the same thing with my "best" guy friend. i've been there for him for everything, including his mother passing away a month ago. drove 1200 miles round trip just to spend the weekend with him and his family...i NEVER hear from him...my theory is that he doesn't know what to do with a female he's not sleeping with...

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  4. WOW! What a hot story !! I loved it!

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  5. I just saw your comment on my blog. Funny, because earlier I tried to post a comment on yours, but the word verification wasn't working so it wouldn't let me. (or maybe it did work and that's how you found me - who knows)

    What I was going to say earlier is that I'm guessing your friend's fiance is threatened by you, and to make it work with her he had to stop seeing you. I'm sure he wants you, and she knows it, but when he realized he couldn't have you he decided to try to make it work with her.

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Thanks for not just lurking..

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