Saturday, 16 December 2006

Next Christmas...

I openly admit it, I'm getting broody. I'm not even entirely sure why this is. I mean, clearly I'm nearing the big 3-0 and it's probably partly a biological thing, but even outside that...

Someday, I hope this is me
Originally uploaded by mestes76.
I was never a girly girl when I was little; I wanted to see the world and have an exciting job; the idea of having a nice house, a volvo and 2.1 kids with the working husband never really attracted me.

But all of a sudden, it's different. I've seen the world, I've had the exciting job, and there is something missing in my life.

And please don't say it's religion; despite being probably the crappiest Christian in the world, I am just a tad bit religious.

My best friend just visited; she bought a house last year with her boyfriend and is finally in a permanent job she likes. She's come off the pill and they plan to seriously start trying for a baby after Easter next year.

And I'm dead jealous.

It's not that I envy her in that way where I think I would deserve it more than she does, it's just that I wish I had the same.

Another quite interesting point; she has really strayed from what has always been her type in men (athletic and pretty, but flaky) to someone who is clearly better father material. Her present boyfriend is just miles ahead of any of her previous ones, despite not being quite as "exciting" as I'm sure some of them were.

I, on the other hand, have not matured enough to break out of my aforementioned cycle of needy/unavailable men.

But having said that, I think partly the reason I feel so strongly about settling is because of J, because I really believe I would have a hard time finding someone better. And I mean not just what he could be if he weren't depressed etc; I mean who he is.

Today we went to see his family to exchange Christmas presents (I love him, but not enough to want to sacrifice a holiday with my much less conflict-filled family), and it was actually really lovely. His mum, who dislikes everyone including me, wasn't there, and his brother, partner and children are really pleasant people.

They are at the moment debating whether they should invite the mum over for Christmas; they feel guilty not doing it but also don't really want her around. Tricky. Do you act like a dutiful child, and please the mother but ruin the holiday for your own kids? Tough call. And before you ask, there really is no way to please everyone in this instance.

And on top of this nice family evening there is of course my rather insecure job situation.

It just really made me wish I had something to hold on to, something fixed. As we were driving back, I said to J that my goal for next year is to celebrate Christmas with all of my family, and all of his, in a house of my own.

I know it's a long shot, but he squeezed my hand and said "I think that's a really good thing to aim for."

I have realised that I want to have children alongside my friends; to be able to go on theme park holidays together and to go for skiing trips that only last for 2.5 km because all the kids get tired and want to play in the snow instead. And I want to have kids before I'm too old to run after them and stay up all night worrying about them.

I want to be able to wake up in my own house, to plant perennial flowers in my own garden, to invite my parents to stay for as long as they please.

It's going to be a tough call if I have to choose between that and J.

1 comment:

  1. tic toc tic toc

    I can hear your biological clock here in the Caribbean.



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