Thursday, 8 February 2007

Finding myself

Singing in the rain by Mindfulness

Apparently I need to find myself. Or so at least my counsellor told me today.

And in a way I agree. I've never been a very still person. I've always liked to be chasing the rainbow, and when I get there, although I appreciate the achievement, I always spot something else, more elusive that I want instead.

This is probably partly why I've managed to stay for such a long time with J; the fact that he's completely emotionally unavailable (me: "I love you." J: "..."). In other words, he's always just out of reach, and I guess a part of me likes it that way.

"You seem to be searching a lot for external stimuli," my counsellor said. "What happens when you are just with you, doing nothing?"

At that very moment, I realised that I have no idea whatsoever about what she means by doing nothing.

I struggled with the concept of "being alone and doing nothing" for a while. It turned out that going for a jog or to the cinema or reading a book or meditating or staring out the window over a cup of tea does not count as "doing nothing".

I think what she meant, in the end, was something along the lines of mindfulness, ie. being mindful of yourself and your perception of the surroundings.

Which is weird. Because although I'm not completely mindful as often as I should be, I mean, who is, sometimes I have to concentrate on driving, dammit; I am certainly more mindful than many other people I know.

I always know if I'm happy or sad, hungry or full, warm or cold; I notice beautiful sunsets and caterpillars trying to cross the road.

Would being more mindful make me feel more at peace with the world? Or is it something else?

I openly admit that I really need recognition, I need to be needed. Not because I don't have faith in myself, but just... because.

I'll mull this over until I see her again next week. But I really think I have to ask what "doing nothing by yourself" really means.

Bonus Technorati tag: mindfulness

1 comment:

  1. One of these days (of course, I have no idea if you can do this now) just go to a park, sit down there and stare at nature. What comes to your mind? Is it your goals? is it.. nothing? Is it your family or significant other? It can be scary but try it.

    There's also a good exercise... try to picture your life without everything that you consider relevant at this point in your life(it's funny, but naming your blog Jsgirlfriend pretty much says that at the time you defined yourself as such - but I think I know you and that was just what you thought at the moment) - What do you see...? what can you live with our without?

    BTW... I think you may like this blog.


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