Monday, 12 February 2007

Lifesaver

By jimmytofu


What I need, is a lifesaver. Although according to my counsellor, I should be my own lifesaver.

I mean, am I really meant to stand on my own? I checked at the age of 19 that I was capable of that (by moving abroad, learning a new language from scratch and generally spending all my time alone for the best part of six months) and since then I haven't bothered trying.

We are sociable animals, and I don't see why I should have to stand on my own.

Except I kind of do. I realise fully that the reason I'm always so restless is that I have no peace within myself. And, of course, that I haven't had a day off for over two weeks, which would probably make a Buddhist monk lose their inner calm. But anyway.

I have thought and thought about this over the last week; I have tried to take moments out to be aware of myself, and to listen to myself. It's been hard to stop my mind from racing. Often when I'm overworked I go into a sort of hypomania, miraculously surviving on 5 hrs sleep per night.

Metal Babble asked about passion. I discussed this too with my counsellor.

I've never felt passionate in life, apart from about men (and boy, have I loved some wonderful/awful people with every fibre in my body).

Why this is I don't know. I've always been envious of people like J, who can spend all day in front of the TV watching rugby1, or people who can tell you the name of every obscure Iranian politician because they care, or simply people who *really* love knitting (I like knitting but I prefer to watch TV at the same time).

Maybe it's a lack of confidence; better to have not loved and not lost? But if that was the case surely I'd also apply that to my love life, and I most certainly have not.

I have always dreamed about becoming a writer, but I've never actually felt passionate enough about something to sustain my interest to write about it for long. I write excellent sketches but I would struggle to write a well-formed short-story.

Or maybe what I could have been passionate about was stamped out in early life. I could have been a typical girly girl I think; I loved horses and ballet, or rather the idea of it. I wasn't able to pursue either as my parents didn't have any money. I'm not bitter about it. But sometimes I wonder.

And I think that Metal Babble is right; it's passion that keeps us going, passion is a life saver and a compass all in one. I feel passionate about my boyfriend, and about my friends. And about writing. So maybe I should do a dance class, or a creative writing course with the Open University.

When I have a day off, that is.

But then, of course, I'd be violating my counsellor's advice to "do nothing".

It's all very tricky at the moment.

Bonus Technorati tag:

1Although he did take time out to shag me between the two games on Saturday; and I have to say I've not experienced him that horny since the early days of our relationship. Despite his football team losing! I'm a bit worried that it was all the watching of men apparently trying to dry hump each other on a pitch that had turned him on..?! But never mind, the sex was great so I'm not gonna complain, am I!

2 comments:

  1. I read you entry, and this particular paragraph:
    "I've never felt passionate in life, apart from about men (and boy, have I loved some wonderful/awful people with every fibre in my body)."

    ...reminded me of this Depeche Mode song:

    Its only when I lose myself
    By Depeche Mode

    Its only when I lose myself in someone else
    That I find myself
    I find myself
    Its only when I lose myself in someone else
    That I find myself
    I find myself

    Something beautiful is happening inside for me
    Something sensual, its full of fire and mystery
    I feel hypnotized, I feel paralized
    I have found heaven
    Theres a thousand reasons
    Why I shouldnt spend my time with you
    For every reason not to be here I can think of two
    Keep me hanging on
    Feeling nothings wrong
    Inside your heaven

    Its only when I lose myself in someone else
    That I find myself
    I find myself
    Its only when I lose myself in someone else
    That I find myself
    I find myself

    I can feel the emptiness inside me fade and disappear
    Theres a feeling of contentment now that you are here
    I feel satisfied
    I belong inside
    Your velvet heaven

    Did I need to sell my soul
    For pleasure like this
    Did I have to lose control
    To treasure your kiss
    Did I need to place my heart
    In the palm of your hand
    Before I could even start
    To understand

    Its only when I lose myself in someone else
    That I find myself
    I find myself
    Its only when I lose myself in someone else
    That I find myself
    I find myself

    ReplyDelete
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