Tuesday, 6 March 2007

Learn to be still

I've talked a lot lately about being still.


physalis by Wild*Dreams
As I've said, I've never been very good at it.

I've always preferred rivers and oceans to lakes. Even though the ocean is not "going anywhere" as such, it's always doing something, its waves are relentless, it eats fishermen and will grind away at beach rocks until they're shiny pebbles and fine sand. I like that. Lakes; they just sort of sit there. And they're not as nice to swim in.

Since I stopped nagging J about getting a house, I've been feeling uneasy. He has kept asking me if anything is wrong, but, unusually for me, I've been unable to articulate what's been bothering me. We've settled for cuddles, as they seem to comfort us both for the time being.

Today when I woke, I really didn't want to get out of bed. I felt bloated, my legs were heavy and my mind syrupy.

Fortunately, the PlayStation was beckoning in the front room, I wouldn't allow myself to play without doing something "useful" first. I got up, did some grooming.

As I was operating out an ingrown hair on my bikini line, I realised that the reason I feel so uneasy is that I feel that by stopping my work towards settling down (with or without J), I've simply stopped going places. I feel uneasy because I'm still.

And there's really nothing wrong with my life. I have people I miss, yes, but I am also surrounded by a group of rather agreeable friends. I have J, and I love him. It even looks as if the work situation has sorted itself out (through a lot of hard effort from my place, I hasten to add). It is spring.

Yes, it annoys me that I can't paint our walls in a colour I like, but in the big scheme of things, I shouldn't let it matter so much that I'm not in what I imagine would be an ideal place.

And when I got used to that idea, I really felt a lot better. I had a lovely breakfast with myself outside in the sun.

Last night I had a longish chat to my ex-boyfriend's dad (yes, odd, I know; but I'm like the daughter he never had) about this job interview I have coming up that I'm extremely nervous about.

"If you're meant to get that job, you'll get it," he said. "Remember, a bit of nerves is what you need for maximum performance." It made me feel better.

I'll try to hold onto this feeling, that really my life isn't so bad, even when it's standing still.


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3 comments:

  1. It's been so long! I'm glad to come back and hear you again...

    I force myself to just sit and do nothing pretty regularly...it helps put the rest of the day into perspective. But I guess being still also affords the opportunity to overthink and doubt yourself.

    Don't worry, you'll be fine!

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  2. Life never really stands still. And anyway, when you're not going somewhere in a physical sense, you can still be going somewhere in a spiritual sense. I know that sounds head-up-arsey, but it isn't. (No, really.)

    Have a good one, and leave the hair. You'll only make it worse.

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