Friday, 20 June 2008

I was lying in the bath today, the bath curtains rustling out of the open window like a lover turning over in bed, still asleep, next to me. J is away on a stag do, which originally was meant to involve paintballing and lap dancing, but now has been cut down to only the paintballing, as apparently some of the guests complained about the costs.. Nothing to do with their partners complaining about the lap dancing, I'm sure.

I am alone in the house for once. Neurotic Flatmate II is off on holiday with her beloved mother, whilst her boyfriend (unofficial fourth flatmate of the house) is in the city of the university where he is purporting to be finishing off his PhD. He actually rang me today. A lovely chap he is, though unfortunately completely unattractive. So we are the four of us, J and Neurotic Flatmate II who are both linguists, and PhD and I who are both slaving away in very low paid jobs. The difference being, of course, that he has a bright future ahead of him in the oil industry, whilst I have a bright future ahead of me somewhere, though people fail to specify when I put them on the spot about it.

But back to the juicy lap dancers. Personally I wouldn't have minded J going. OK, so the thought of J fondling or kissing someone else drives me mad with jealousy, but to be honest, what I don't know can't hurt me. I would be hypocritical if I said that the thought of kissing someone else than him has never crossed my mind. I did tell him strictly no sex with Eastern European prostitutes, though. He said that was OK, and somehow I believe him. We are talking here of a man who has never been to a strip club. Even the one other time when he was offered a visit (another stag do, you will not be surprised to hear), he opted not to go and went to watch the rugby in a nearby bar instead. I am not making this up. Sometimes I really think my boyfriend might be gay. But of course he is not, or I would have known. I think.

It is hard to define exactly how I feel at the moment. I have been trying to listen to myself more, maybe the reason I find myself miserable so much of the time is that I never really stop to pay attention to what is actually going on in the present. I have always lived half with an eye on the horizon. But every time I stop to take stock, I find that I don't really know what I feel, except for anxious and this seething kind of impatience. I can't explain it, it feels like being hungry, though the feeling is not dampened by eating, which I've tried in the past but am now no longer trying, as I have decided I need to stop the excessive cheese eating which started during a recent holiday to France, and start eating... well, something else.

I have not blogged for a long time. I have not had the time nor energy. But maybe I should take the time to do so. I think it's good for me. Now where were those chocolate bisquits again...

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