Wednesday, 9 July 2008

Aussie Tin Roof


Aussie Tin Roof
Originally uploaded by sinoperture
Now I was going to go for a jog this morning in line with my recent healthy eating and weight loss scheme, but honestly.

It is absolutely pissing it down outside. And I am quite enjoying sitting here, listening to the rain hittingthe corrugated plastic roof on the outhouse.

So I am number 2 on the wait list to get a space at the university I want to go to, to become an Actual Psychologist.

It is not in the UK.

If I get in, and I should know whether I do by next week, I am leaving the country.

I have spent my whole adult life in the UK, and for better or worse, I do quite like some things, like the Guardian, the BBC and BOGOF offers in supermarkets.

If I do go home, it won't be easy. You can't just return somewhere after a decade and expect it to be the same.

My friends back home are ridiculously excited that I might be moving home. And so am I. I have been miserable for so long, missing them and my family.

The foremost worry thought in my mind now is that I don't in fact miss them, and I am therefore miserable; I am just miserable because I am.

And, of course, if I go, I will miss J. All the time. I know this. Anything more than 48 hours apart is a bit of a struggle. He will not come with me. He isn't ready to go. Maybe I am not ready for him to come either, maybe I need to settle in by myself while hoping he will eventually follow.

I don't know what percentage likelyhood I give to me still being J's Girlfriend a year from now, but I am hoping. He is the best boyfriend I will ever have, and I really want to be with him, build a life, have children, grow old together, feed him ice cream in bed over the Saturday paper (which sadly is unlikely to be the Guardian, but maybe we can have someone post it?).

Maybe it will be good for him to be on his own for a while, to help him learn to fend for himself and listen to what he really wants, to learn to ignore the voice of his mother in his head, and of me too.

He says that although he does not wish for me to go, he would feel better about us knowing that I am working towards achieving what I want, that I am surrounded by people who love me, that he is not holding me back.

But I have taken ownership of my actions. He is not holding me back. I am, if anything, using him as an excuse not to go home, because I feel I have nothing to show for the last decade of my life. No qualifications, maybe not even a life partner.

However my homing instinct is becoming overwhelming. It is like Tinnitus, it cannot be ignored except for by drowning it out with something louder, a sharper pain, and even then I know that it is still there.

It is still raining outside, the droplets have gotten larger, the whisper on the roof has crescendoed into a roar. I will not go for a jog. I will upload photos of J with his friends and Godchild from last weekend and ask myself, honestly, if I can justify wanting to remove him from them.

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