Thursday, 3 July 2008

Disappearing From View


Disappearing from View
Originally uploaded by Steve Stone
Because I have not been blogging for so long, I just had a look around and saw that most of the people whose blogs I used to read, with the notable exception of Daisy, have done a semi-disappearing act.

And maybe that's what's so attractive about blogging. You can bare your soul and then disappear, and it's as if everything you said disappears with you, as opposed to if you told your real-life friends, and they would still know.

Except of course, paradoxically, what you have said is all the more permanent because it is stored right there for you to see, online. People don't tend to delete their old blogs. I guess it would feel too much like burning a diary.

But even in real life, people don't just disappear. Last night I had a very weird dream about an ex-friend of mine (I am not sure why we are ex-friends, but he rejected me on Facebook so I guess we are), which involved a drowning car and his fiancee (very soon to be wife) wearing a hijab.

So I messaged him on Facebook this morning, and he replied almost instantly. We have not been in touch for about two years. And there he was, at my fingertips, almost close enough to touch. I guess things never really disappear. I find it strangely reassuring.

Last year, J and I went on holiday near where my gay ex lives, and I met up with him (again, arranged on Facebook, where we are friends). It was extremely reassuring. He used to be a nervous wreck, but he has really grown up, he has bought a flat and has a great job (much better than mine) and seemed so... happy. I think I don't ever want to see him again, just so I can hold that idea in my head that this is how he exists now.

Sometimes I think I have an unhealthy obsession with the past, that I should just let stuff go. But my brain has never been much for forgetting. Stuff sticks, from useless trivia to ridiculous relationships. And I kind of like it that way.

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