Sunday, 6 July 2008

Grown men crying

I don't mean Nadal himself, who is obviously not quite yet a man (he was crying like a baby, and combined with Federer looking noble but of course deeply tragic, the whole scene almost brought a tear to my eyes).

J, however, was really in tatters as Federer is is hero, and in the summer, the one man he "would sleep with if given the chance". In the winter this spot of honor is taken up by Mr S Gerrard, who is obviously not really available in the season of long, light evenings during which tennis thrillers hold the nation's attention to ransom.

Meanwhile, I've examined my life and decided I have to take ownership of my own situation. In other words, admit stuff to myself.

First and foremost, the reason I am not moving home to be closer to family and friends is that I really wanted to achieve something here in Britain. I don't feel I have done this, not really. I wanted to come home like the hero returning on a white horse in shining armor.. like Jeanne d'Arc, maybe. Not limping on a donkey (like JC, so come to think of it, riding in on a donkey might not be all bad). It has to do with status, I want to prove myself. It has nothing to do with J holding me here, it has to do with me feeling I am letting some unspecified entity (myself, mostly) down by coming home and not having "achieved".

Secondly, I choose to be with J, who does not want to get married, or have children, or buy a house (though in the current house market, neither do I). In other words, something deep inside me does not really want to do those things just yet either. If those were the most important things for me, I would leave him and find someone who can help me live up to those aspirations.

So, in short, I am living in the UK and being miserable because I am too proud to turn home without having anything to show for my ten years in the UK apart from a BA from a slightly dodgy ex-polytechnic, and I am unmarried and childless because I am too much of a coward to be attracted to someone who wants to change my status in these regards.

There you have it. I have some tough choices to make. Should I give up my extremely generous, Oxbridge-educated, crazily attractive though dysfunctional boyfriend and travel home with my head lifted, or should I grit my teeth and think of how much my life has changed over the last ten years, and how I still have time to achieve?

J is folding up his clothes and putting them away for the evening, and afterwards I know he will take out what he is wearing tomorrow from his overfilled chest of drawers, and put it on the dining table downstairs in order not to wake me as he gets up at 0720 to go to work. Then he will brush his teeth and crawl into bed and rub his recently-shaven cheek on my arm as I type and ask if I want a cuddle. And then, although Roger didn't get any, I might get some Rogering. Cheap joke, couldn't resist.

So maybe there is a third reason I am staying put. Maybe I really have something here which is too good to give up, prospective babies and engagements or none.

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