Monday, 29 September 2008

Having me, having you

J has left again. It is a strange existence, this whole to and froing. But J has decided. He will be moving here shortly, to live with me in the flat I will hopefully have.

Last time he was here to visit me, in my girl room which has a 120 bed (the student size from IKEA which can hold exactly one very in love couple or two very drunk people for a one night stand, but not a regular girlfriend and boyfriend over a longer period of time), a desk, a bookshelf, a MALM dresser and a NOT lamp, he was very ill. It was not a very good weekend. I was just about to come on my period and incredibly irritable, and he was cranky.

This weekend was different. I was nervous before he got here, in that way that one is before a first date. It is funny. My body remembers him, but my heart doesn't. The longer that passes between us when he is but a small face in a Skype window, the less I remember why I love him. I am a simple girl. For me, a relationship is very much about the physical. I am definitely one of those women who will cheat, not in the flesh, but by giving my mind to someone else. In fact I do that every day.

When he got here, it was just lovely, straight off. He smells different, is using another clothes detergent now that we are not living together, a perfumed one. He came dragging along two suitcases full of my stuff, a small helping of what is still left behind in Britain, and of course only about 5 per cent of it stuff I actually wanted, as is his habit he had packed in a massive rush.

But when I close my eyes, he feels familiar. He tastes familiar. And he was so happy to see me. In the shower today, I constructed my relationship narrative.

My first boyfriend was lovely to look at, very much the quiet and shy type, and very bizarre in conduct.

So the crush I had after was much more communicative, loved words, the way I loved words. But I didn't jump when I should have, so I lost out.

So I jumped off the cliff with both feet for boyfriend III, although he was gay, and of course nobody jumped after. I loved the most and had my heart thoroughly crushed by the situation.

Boyfriend IV. He loved me, I didn't love him. Very safe, very boring. Dump.

Boyfriend V is J.

I have figured why I will never feel the same for J as I do for the crush who followed boyfriend I. It is because I have learned that I have to have the relationship, and be in it.

I can never again let it happen that I find myself in a relationship that is having me. I just couldn't take it. I would break.

Trouble is, when you have the relationship, and you are in it, rather than it having you and being inside you as it were, then it will never feel as intense.

J will never look into me in that way that kills a small part of me, creating new growth by burning off dead grass from a small patch with a magnifying glass catching the sun.

It just isn't the way it is. I love him, and I want him, but this is not the big love.

I am not sure if I should be glad that I have known what the big love is at all, or if I should be sorry that I have not chosen to let it be what I live my life alongside.

But I am living my own life, it is not living me. And that is how I want it, for the foreseeable future.

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