Sunday, 11 January 2009

Seeing my own shadow


in vino veritas (in bed)
Originally uploaded by tamelyn
So sometimes I see her. Who I could have been, could still be, if I were to be with you. I see her when I look up, and suddenly catch your eyes, you look at me, and then I am lead to feel that she is somewhere within me, caged.

I know what she looks like. She wears her hair down, messy, or short, a wispy fringe swept to the side and tucked behind her ear. She smiles a lot, laughs, she is sexier than I am, though only sometimes. She gets the giggles sitting in an old leather sofa, she flings her legs nonchalantly across its soft armrests in a way which seems careless to you, but is in fact carefully planned to show off her calves. She drinks milky tea with honey late at night, taking care not to spill it on your blankets while she talks. She talks, or sits still with her knees drawn up to her chest for hours, reading your old comics. And when she talks, she makes poetry. You tell her, and if you could see past her olive skin, you would see her blush.

So it makes me wonder sometimes, why I am not that girl. And maybe by becoming a psychologist, I will become what she had become had she been allowed to grow past 21 and have a profession of her own. I guess I am not her because her heart is so soft, so open, you could stab it with your words, your criticisms, your dignified pleading for mercy when I stab you back, or sometimes in a bout of pre-emptive striking.

I would never allow myself to get crushed in the way you could crush me. J could never pierce my heart in that way. My pride, my trust, my relentless desire to build a successful relationship, he could demolish all that with a flick of a finger, but you could grind my heart to sand in a moment, just by looking at me that way you do. I can't allow it. You look for her in me, and maybe she is in there somewhere. Maybe she is not.

I talked to your girlfriend tonight, she is lovely, really lovely, though I recognise in myself that slight extra effort I always put in with women whose position I like to imagine myself in from time to time. I sometimes sense you see it in me too, that you see the 19 year old who was really that nice to all your girlfriends that came and went, behind whose backs you passionately kissed me behind corners, underneath staircases, on cold winter evenings.

I examine your bookshelf as it covers the wall behind you (you like to sit in the same chair every evening) and I spot traces of myself; writers I introduced you to, copies of records I also own, and art you loved when I loved you. I search for you in it, where have you been for these ten long years we have spent apart, am I still there somewhere? Do you ever wonder who you would have been if we had ended up together?

Even if I was free (note how I never consider you not being free an issue), I don't think I could go there. There is the drinking, a bottle of wine in the evening every weekend, it could spill onto weekdays, could I really trust you to stop smoking if I got pregnant, would you still take me to the cinema on Tuesday afternoons to watch random European films just because I asked you to, would you kiss me when your football team scored, or would you just get drunk, would your car crash of mother take you away from me when I needed you the most, would you still make my tea just the way I like it, could I handle your heart without breaking it?

And that is the crux of the matter. I see that shadow of the girl I would have been, and I don't trust her to cope, to handle you in the way you deserve, to always be there for you, to allow you to be who you would be, to not stab you in the chest at a weak moment. I am not that strong, and neither is she. If you hurt me, I would lash out, immediately, because it would be too painful to bear without retaliation. I would be conniving, always looking to get back at you for the slightest unfairness. Maybe I'm not with you because I don't trust myself, because I couldn't bear the thought of messing it up, of not ever being able to be with you, for ever.

I am losing my English, because I am not using it enough. It is slipping out from the sections of my brain I'm so carefully naming these days, and I am stuck between two languages, on a partially toothless rope bridge, grappling for words and they crumble at the tip of my tongue before I can spit them out onto the paper. It pains me sometimes, I have to remind myself that I am not drunk, I am merely split between words, between worlds.

1 comment:

  1. XNXX-------HOT XNXX-----SEX CAMS- LIVE CHAT



    »------------> HD- Cumshot Sex (107)


    »-----------> HD - Blowjob Sex (311)


    »------------> HD - Hot Sites (Ads)


    »------------> HD - Sex In Office (762)


    »------------> HD - Teen Sex (277)+7


    »-------------> HD - Pornstar Sex (910)+10


    »-------------> HD - Lesbian Sex (223)+22


    »------------> HD - Hardcore Sex (386)


    »-------------> HD - European Sex (137)


    »-------------> HD - Cumshot Sex (107)


    »-------------> HD - Blowjob Sex (311)


    »-------------> HD - Big Tits Sex (334)


    »-------------> HD - Hot Sites (Ads)


    »-------------> HD - Sex In Office (762)


    »-------------> HD - Teen Sex (277)+7


    »-------------> HD - Hardcore Sex (386)


    »--------------> HD - European Sex (137)


    »--------------> HD - Cumshot Sex (107)


    »--------------> HD - Blowjob Sex (311)


    »--------------> HD - Big Tits Sex (334)


    »--------------> HD - Big Dick Sex (243)


    XNXX-------HOT XNXX-----SEX CAMS- LIVE CHAT


    »-------------> HD - Hot Sites (Ads)


    »-------------> HD - Sex In Office (762)


    »-------------> HD - Teen Sex (277)+7


    »-------------> HD - Pornstar Sex (910)+10


    »-------------> HD - Lesbian Sex (223)+22


    »-------------> HD - Hardcore Sex (386)


    »-------------> HD - European Sex (137)


    »-------------> HD - Cumshot Sex (107)


    »-------------> HD - Blowjob Sex (311)


    »--------------> HD - Big Tits Sex (334)


    »--------------> HD - Big Dick Sex (243)


    »---------------> HD - Asian Sex (148)






    ENJOY
    XNXX-------HOT XNXX-----SEX CAMS- LIVE CHAT
    »--------------> HD - 24sexmovie.com (148)
    »………… /´¯/)
    ……….,/¯../ /
    ………/…./ /
    …./´¯/’…’/´¯¯.`•¸
    /’/…/…./…..:^.¨¯\
    (‘(…´…´…. ¯_/’…’/
    \……………..’…../
    ..\’…\………. _.•´
    …\…………..(
    ….\…………..\.

    WORLD WIDE LIVE SEX
    GOOD BYE

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for not just lurking..

Peer Review Section