Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Lessons leaned from Valentines past :: Warning - some adult content..


pair
Originally uploaded by C.Mariani
It's almost that time of the year again... Love it or loathe it, Hallmark Cards will be rammed down your throat at the supermarket and Ann Summers will sell way too much black and red and unflattering underwear. Again. So to celebrate Valentine's Day, V-Day or Singles Awareness Day (delete as appropriate), I've started the warm-up today.

What I've done for the past 10 Valentine's Days
*

1995: I discovered Valentine's Day by way of starting school surrounded mostly by Texans. Received exactly two greetings. All the other girls got tons.

1996: Might have been the one where I gave Junior High Sweetheart a BJ outside the house of the one that got away, just cause I was pissed off with him.

1997: Received exactly two greetings. All the other girls got tons.

1998: Spent it alone drinking tequila flavoured beer and Irish Coffe in north-eastern France.

1999: Did a student radio show with my gay ex. We played "All by myself" by Celine Dion and "The winner takes it all" by Agnetha Faltskog. My best gag all evening was "My co-DJ just nipped outside with a fag."

2000: Probably something else to do with gay ex. Probably something lovely. I wish I could remember.

2001: Went to se Vagina Monologues. Still nursing broken heart after dumping gay ex. Received tulips from US ex. Had a small panic that he would do something really big but he didn't.

2002: Deleted from memory. Probably involved slightly routine, yet hot sex with US ex.

2003: Also deleted from memory. Might have involved romantic restaurant in London with US ex.

2004: Celebrated having dumped US ex about a month earlier. I think I might have gone to see Team America with Depressive Flatmate. Oh how I miss her when Mr Vain is aiming for me with his air rifle.

2005: Made mix tape (on tape, since J has no mp3 player and only got a CD player in the car after I took him to Halfords) for J hoping to win his affections. It contained "I'm like a bird" by Nelly Furtado, "Lover, you should have come over" by Jeff Buckley and "Murder on the dancefloor" by Sophie Ellis Bextor. It worked a treat.

2006: I worked. It sucked. J gave me a black silk dressing gown from La Senza. I shrunk it in the wash.

2007: I worked. It sucked. Went out for late night Nepalese curry with J and had way too much to eat. It was great.

2008: Went to romantic restaurant in Henley, celebrating how despite being dumped there by J on 31 January 2005, we are still together. That is, I was celebrating, he was just ashamed that it took him so long to realise what a one-off he had on his hands.

2009: J will be visiting me here in The Cold North. I much look forward to it.

What can a girl learn from this?

  1. When you want a man, never give up. If he isn't gay or completely stupid (in which case he would be a poor choice for a long-term partner) he will eventually give in and realise what a catch you are.
  2. Don't ever work on Valentine's. It sucks, especially when other people leave early and you see a flash of their new sexy underwear as they disappear through the door.
  3. Be a serial monogamist. Nothing gets you over the previous one like the next one.
  4. There is no point in not celebrating Valentine's just because you think you should cherish each other every day, and not just when dictated to do so by the market powers that be.
  5. Don't ever drink Tequila flavoured beer. It's really nauseating.
  6. Have a gay boyfriend. They're the best, and you'll forever after be "the girl who gives amazing blow jobs".
  7. Make people mix tapes. It's really therapeutic and we don't do it enough anymore.
  8. Don't waste your time building a relationship with someone you don't truly, truly love.
  9. Don't care that you get no greetings in High School. Unless you are a lesbian, in which case not having the ability to charm other women could turn out to be a bit sucky later in life.
  10. The best love songs ever, in no particular order, are:
  1. "Lover, You Should Have Come Over" - Jeff Buckley
  2. "One" - U2
  3. "Goodbye to Love" - The Carpenters
  4. "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough" - Don Henley / Patty Smyth
  5. "Patience" - Guns'n'Roses
  6. "I'll Stand by You" - The Pretenders
  7. "Stay" - Lisa Loeb
  8. "It Must Have Been Love" - Roxette
  9. "Without You" - Mariah Carey
  10. "My Favourite Mistake" - Sheryl Crow
Tag. You're it.

* I know I said 10, but I do tend to go on a bit once I get started.

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