Friday, 22 January 2010

Knitting your life away...

There is trouble brewing in the household.

At Christmas, I laid down the law and told J that either he agrees he wants to have kids with me (not necessarily right now, but at least at some point in the foreseeable future) or he can piss off back to the Land of Smog and Overpriced Public Transport.

Closeup Hat number II which I knitted after realising that Hat I was way too small for my bald friend's fat head

J, of course, has risen to the challenge by being ten times as neurotic as usual, which is a strain for him, me and everyone around us, including I am guessing his therapist who is up for a nasty surprise when he returns from his extended Christmas vacation next week sometime.

I am not doing this to be nasty. Well, maybe a little, but mostly because I genuinely want children, and if I end up not having any, I don't want it to be because my socially anxious and obsessive boyfriend dithered until it was too late.

At any rate, what can one do except hope. J's big fear is that he will "fail to bond with his children". This is so neurotic and absurd I don't even know how to form an adequate emotional response. But, being the rigid and security-seeking person that he is, he has decided he would rather spend his life alone, miserable and cuddle-less in the Cesspit of the UK that is home of his job from which he has been granted a 12 month sabbatical (due to expire in two months, thus adding to his stress), than be with me and have children. Better the devil you know, even when it is a really sucky one.

Hat numero II: Looks like a tea cosy, but modeled on J actually works out OK

So I can do nothing except wait, which is what I have done for the past five years (read my backblog and you will know what I mean). But time is almost up. I don't think I can take much more, and although I will be so ashamed to tell my mother that I have screwed up yet one more long-term relationship with a man she has come to know and I think even like quite a lot, that is better than living in this limbo which sucks the energy from me to such an extent that all I can do is reruns of WoW HC dungeons and knitting.
Hat number I. Unfortunately looks like I'll have to keep this one for myself.. All hats done on 8mm needle in Mystery Scandinavian Wool from Stash

Apropos, something good has come of this. Over this week and last week I have knitted two hats (se photos) and also about 7 cm of my "new" sweater which I started over a year ago now. The sweater is done on 3 mm needles, which I now realise was a massive mistake, but since my mother has invested £40 in the wool I feel obliged to finish it (you might see a pattern here with me feeling obligated towards her, but really, she puts no pressure on me and is generally a good mother). Luckily this semester at uni consists of a lot of compulsary classes with no exams at the end of the course, and since emotional upheaval means I don't concentrate well enough to take notes, I figured I might as well knit.

One of my friends whose birthday is coming up is pretty much bald and has almost frozen to death during the late cold snap. I shall grant him one of the hats and at least one life will have been improved by this ridiculousness.

Will be back once I've secretly skewered all the household condoms with a very small needle.

Friday, 15 January 2010

Waving goodbye

In my dream last night, I was waving goodbye to my friend's children. My love lost (who doesn't own a car) was giving me a lift home, and all I could think of was wanting to be on my own with him. However, we were dropping said friend off first, with all her skiing equipment.

She urged me to come out of the car to say goodbye to her children, who were waiting inside the house. I did not take the time to go into the house, I wanted to be with the man who was in the car, because I knew it would be stolen time, that it would be a few minutes at most, and that my friend was already asking questions in her head. I felt immense sadness, loss and longing at the same time.

A Jungian would have a field day. Shame I am leaning more towards the cognitive angle..

Monday, 11 January 2010

New year, new resolutions

Occasionally I think about this blog and tack on a "I probably should delete it" at the end of my thinking. Sometimes I get paranoid that ex best friend has found it and that this is why he is refusing to acknowledge my presence in the world. I think of all the fights between J and I that are chronicled here, my high hopes in the beginning and the realization that this is just another relationship, with good and bad sides.

But then I realise that I have now had this blog for about five years. Although I have not been actively blogging that whole time, I have been pouring my heart out more regularly to this blog than to anyone I know in real life. Since then, I have:

  • Moved house 5 times
  • Stuck with J even though he drives me nuts most of the time
  • Held 5 different jobs
  • Had two dates with my first boyfriend
  • Moved countries once
  • Started studying again
  • Bought a flat
  • Almost fallen out with my parents like a billion times
  • Taken almost double ECTS credits for a whole year
  • Made I'd say three new female friends
  • Become an auntie
  • Passed 11 exams with flying colours.. OK, at least with colours trying to take off
  • Gained personal experience of working with psychos(patients and staff)
  • Visited Hungary, the Czech Republic and the continent of Asia for the 1st time
  • Learned ABA tutoring
  • Knitted my first baby item
  • Rounded 80 in WoW

And, I just found out, scored a glittering A in last semesters main exam! Wohoo for me! With such a list of triumphs there is obviously no way I could delete this blog. Yet.

Peer Review Section