Monday, 22 March 2010

Dear J II

I miss you. I miss someone sitting on the sofa next to me, frowning when I laugh at pointless things on the TV. I miss your smell. I started crying this evening because someone got married at the end of a show. A fictional show. I'm not usually like that.

At the same time, I can't decide if I actually want you back or not. Do I really want someone to pour cold water in my blood whenever I have a good idea? Don't I like being able to eat whatever I want and to say whatever I want without actually offending anyone for totally obscure reasons?

Right now, I think I can never fall in love again. I feel broken inside. I can't tell if I think I want you back because I don't think I'll ever fall for someone else, or if it is because it is actually you I want back. I wish I could ask you these things. It hurts not to be able to, although you never once really helped me out in any of my emotional dilemmas anyway.

I miss your body the most, curling up against you and feeling the warmth of my own breath reflected from your smooth back or your upper arm draped across my chest. What does that mean? And who do I ask now I can't ask you? Who was I asking while I was with you, since you never gave any satisfactory answers anyway? Was I really alone this whole time, without noticing..?

It is weird not knowing where you are, where you are sleeping, who you are sleeping with. I don't mind if you meet someone else, as long as I don't have to watch you kiss her, look at her with love in your eyes.

I was always afraid of seeing that look in someone's eyes, of complete devotion, I don't like the feeling of holding someone else's fragile heart in my sometimes clumsy hands. Maybe I was holding yours and just looked away. Maybe I never did.

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