Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Minute by minute

I am now in my second exiled home since The Breakup. I feel unexpecedly OK. Still numb, but I laughed out loud today and I haven't cried since Saturday (though I almost started sobbing out loud on the treadmill today due to a particularily poignant moment in Scrubs.. so maybe not exactly "over it"...).

It is weird how even after a few days, J is slipping away from me. I still feel pain as I write that. But I know it is only a matter of time before I can no longer remember the exact imprint his body used to make on mine during an early morning spoon, the smell of his chest when he came into the flat in the afternoon, his coat still icy cold, the taste of his upper lip. Soon, all that will remain are flashes of the feeling of his hand on my cheek, a disjointed image of a smile, I won't remember his exact voice anymore. How I fell for that voice. I grieve over all these things.

For a while I had a headache. Now, the pain is duller, situated somewhere between the chest and throat. Maybe my heart really is breaking.

As I was brushing my teeth in my friend's kitchen sink, I briefly had an impulse to call J, because he might be feeling horrible, and past experience shows that he might cave. But I didn't. Partly because I'm too proud, shamefully also partly because the scent of freedom is making its way through the misty stench of cat lady fantasies, and it is attractive, but also partly because I am starting to remember all the things that weren't so good. How I would sometimes crave someone extroverted, someone who loved words as much as I do, someone who would look me in the eye while talking, someone who was truly proud to be my boyfriend because they felt pride in themselves, and faith in me, in us. This is also sad. I don't want to forget all those good moments we have shared despite all those things. Yet over time, it is impossible to hold onto them.

I might cry later when I go to bed. I might not.

One day I will read this blog back to myself, the whole of it. One day, I might print it and give it to J.

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